Christmas Fun

Did you know that for as long as I can remember I have been afraid of ice on lakes and rivers? I remember being furious with my mom once for letting Kinsey go ice fishing with a friend and of forcing myself to go skating on a pond once for mutual. I was telling my dad about this fear the other day and he said that my Grandpa Robinson used to tell us about one of his sisters falling through the ice and them almost losing her. I have no recollection of this but maybe that's where the fear originated? Anyways, I do have a point, I promise!

On Sunday we got invited to a Christmas party being held on Monday night here in Sylvan Lake down at the lake. The town has erected a huge Christmas tree out on the lake and has flooded the lake and ploughed it into different skating areas. The tree is all lit up and they have benches and picnic tables and stuff set up so you can get skates on and all that. I didn't realize that the party was being held on the ice so we readily accepted and headed out Monday night to join a bunch of friends. As we pulled up and saw all the vehicles parked on the ice I started having a mild panic attack. I tried to convince Cliff that we could just park at the top of the bank and walk down but that didn't work. My thinking was that we really didn't need to add the weight of our van to the ice with the rest of the vehicles and Cliff's was that it would be fine since there were already so many vehicles out there. To make a long story short we didn't crash through the ice and I actually was able to enjoy myself despite my fear of the ice. There were several different families from our ward who live in Sylvan out there that night and it was like being surrounded by family. I never had to worry where the boys were...Zane had a couple of 12-13 year old girls who mother henned him and another one who would take Zane and Rhett for rides in a sled out on the ice. They had so much fun. There was hot chocolate, yummy treats, and a feeling of love and friendship. I am learning to love being here in Sylvan more and more. I am so thankful for the invitation...I find that sometimes I get into my own little bubble of what is going on in our lives and I forget that there is life outside of my bubble. It was fun to step out of our bubble for awhile and feel of the love and friendship that is in our ward family. We stayed out on the ice for about an hour and then Rhett had had enough. We came home and cuddled under a big quilt to warm everyone up and watched some old Christmas movies on CBC...Rhett fell asleep and Zane soon followed in his bed. It was a lot of fun and hopefully something that we'll be able to make into a new family tradition.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately as I've made lots of changes in my life in order to achieve my weight and health goals. I'm almost there and have had to add a few extra work outs in to keep my metabolism up and not just maintaining. Because of this I've had to say no to some things and activities that I normally would say yes to and it has caused me to think long and hard about the choices I have made. And this is what I have concluded : Emily Watts made a statement that says something to this effect, "If you add something into your life you have to take something out of it" . This is how I feel about the things that I have said no to in the last months instead of saying yes so that I could achieve my personal goals. I have decided to be selfish in certain aspects of my life right now in order to be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister and person all around. I have not only added exercise and a different diet but I have also been adding things in my life to try and increase my spirituality and the spirit in my home. It is hard sometimes to not feel as though I am being judged by others who do not know the whole story - only the part that shows me not going to an enrichment activity, or saying no when asked if I can accompany someone for something else, or hoping that my visiting teaching beat stays with three sisters and does not have any more added to it. However, I have a wonderful mom and friends who remind me of the things that I am doing in my family and in my home and that there is a time and a season for all things. I am so thankful that I don't have to do it all at once!
So Christmas is almost here. We are having our own little Christmas tomorrow night and then it's pack up and leave for Barnwell early Friday morning. We get to spend the weekend in Barnwell and head for Raymond Christmas Eve afternoon. Cliff gets to stay with us until Boxing Day but has to be back for work on the 27th. The kids and I are staying in Raymond until the 30th and then Grammie is coming home with us. We're making strudels (only the yummiest and most fattening thing in the entire world - it's not a pastry like most of you think. Some ethnic dish my Grandma used to make...oh the calories but it's worth it once or twice a year.)
I love this time of year...it's so full of family and fun and the spirit of Christmas and love and giving. We took the boys to see Santa yesterday - Rhett wanted nothing to do with him but Zane bravely marched over and sat on his lap and chatted somewhat nervously with him. After Monday's party he has decided that he needs ice skates and asked Santa to bring him a pair. Sigh. As I know what Santa is bringing him I've been trying to prepare him by telling him that it's fine to ask Santa for gifts but we don't always get what we ask for. However, Santa always makes sure it's something fun and something we'll like. I did have the fleeting moment when I thought about scrapping the Santa gift we got him and rushing out to buy skates...but I figure he's going to have to learn sooner or later that he's not always going to get what's on his Santa list.
So for those of you who read this before we leave please say a prayer for us that the boys will be healthy and that I will be healthy. Zane still is coughing and hacking, Rhett puked 4 times in an hour today and I am starting to cough. Grrr. We can't wait to see all our family and friends!
Merry Christmas!

Sometimes Time Flies...and Sometimes It Crawls

Eating chocolate pudding for FHE...it was a big hit! Also take note of the length of hair on these boys....especially Rhett. He got his first haircut with real clippers on Friday...and did really good! He just giggled through it and Zane did really good too. He's been deathly afraid of hair cuts for 2 years now and he hardly cried at all this time. Yeah for us!

The boys have been fighting colds for awhile and it finally hit full force this week...making the weekend a very long one full of coughing, puking and low-grade fevers. For the most part Zane has been in good spirits...just less energy and such. Rhett on the other hand has been absolutely miserable. Pick me up, put me down, cuddle me, don't cuddle me. Sigh. Like I said...a very long weekend. Cliff went to church and I stayed home with the boys today and then tonight he stayed home and I went into our Stake's Christmas fireside. I had a piano solo to perform and was second on the program. I like that because it lets me enjoy the rest of the program instead of nervously waiting for my turn. I was really pleased with how it went and really enjoyed the rest of the program. One of my favorite pianists in the stake performed a beautiful solo...I just closed my eyes and enjoyed every note. It was a medley of two songs and in the transition section there was a fabulous right hand run that just took my breathe away. I love music...uplifting and edifying music feeds my soul.

So that's all that we've been up to. I feel like my house is a disaster because I haven't really done anything in it all weekend...just loading and unloading the dishwasher. Tomorrow starts a new week and I'm hoping to get my house really deep cleaned this week so that there's not so much to do before we leave for Christmas. Wish me luck!

Construction or Destruction?

Wow, that's a lot of pictures...but we've been busy in our household lately. Zane is so into "making" Christmas stuff and begs me every day to do a new and different craft. I bought this set of Christmas cards from Usborne books that gives you a ton of fun ideas for easy crafts to do with kids and he is loving them. So far we've made snowflakes and a couple of versions of snowmen including our bouncing snowman as modeled above by Zane.

And of course a day would not be complete if my living room wasn't turned from nice, quiet, cozy room to full out fight arena. The boys and Cliff love to wrestle and get tickled, and chased and tackled. Daddy is definitely the preferred playmate...mom just doesn't do it right. Rhett is right in there trying to get his own two bits in.

Today we tried to construct a gingerbread house. It has become a tradition here in the Johnson household...I buy one of those nice kits and we put it together. The last two years "we" has been Grammie S and Zane doing the building and decorating and mom being delegated by Zane to Supervisor - from across the table. This year we had to build without Grammie's expertise....and we did really great until I had to move it off the table. We should have just had a picnic for supper. Sigh. But me, being who I am, figured I could move it over to the counter with no harm done. Wrong. The hole frame shifted and we lost our roof. Zane was absolutely devastated. So I have promised him that tomorrow we will make more icing and attempt to re-glue our roof back on the house now that the walls are dry. On the upside me and the boys had a great time decorating it and eating way too much candy and icing. Rhett's favorite thing to do was dip his finger in the icing bowl and feed it to mom! They both loved the fact that I was letting them eat the icing with their fingers out of the bowl and it was one of those warm, fuzzy mom moments when you just know that you've done something right and hopefully made a great memory that they will look back on when they're older and say something like : " mom was so great that day" or something else that's just as flattering.

We also watched some of the video we've taken of the kids in the last year. We got to watch Rhett crawl and walk and Zane be a great big brother. We also realized just how far I have come in my weight struggle. It was a real eye opener and I'm so thankful to everyone who has given me the support on this journey and continues to support me as I approach my goal.

It is FREEZING here and snowing and feeling very much like Christmas. I've been trying really hard to teach and remind the boys that the reason we celebrate is because of Christ's birth and gift and sacrifice for us. I think I'm making progress.

And the frustration of the day was playing organ in church today. Rhett was absolutely devastated that he couldn't come with me and screamed and screamed and screamed. Poor Cliff had to take him out. He would get him calmed down and come back in with him and Rhett would take one look at the podium and burst into tears again. Our bishop's shoulders were just shaking because he found this soooo amusing. We find it frustrating but know that he will outgrow this....hopefully sooner than later.

Exhaustion

I am exhausted...emotionally and physically. And it is for the same reason that it usually is. Rhett detests sleeping. I am convinced that he hates the mere thought of sleep. Every nap is a struggle, every night is a struggle. He screamed for 15 minutes this afternoon before going to sleep, slept for 1/2 an hour, and woke up screaming mad. He screamed for 45 minutes before he calmed down. During this tirade I feel absolutely powerless. I can't get close to him - his body language is so conflicting - pick me up, put me down, I want my blanket, I don't want my blanket...and did I mention that I was trying to teach piano at the time? The whole thing started again when it was bedtime. He screamed for 20 minutes before he would let me cuddle him and then he immediately fell asleep. He's exhausted too. The past 3 or 4 nights he's woken up 3 to 4 times and each night he's been awake for at least an hour in the middle of the night. Most times he's waking up in a tantrum. I am out of ideas.
I know that this is disjointed and it sounds quite depressing....but right now this is what my brain and body feels like and I have to put it down somewhere. I know that years down the road I will read this again and remember how I felt and then I will remember what I did that made it better. Sigh. I wish I could see into the future so I would know what brilliant thing I came up with to make this better.

Home Again Home Again

While the boys and I were in Raymond and Barnwell we had so much fun. We did lots of hanging out, playing with grandparents and aunties and uncle, lots of shopping....aah the shopping...and of course I stayed up way too late and ate way too much yummy food. But it was such a nice break from our every day stuff. And as you might have noticed from the pictures, I couldn't resist trying on my wedding dress. It fit great in my hips and tummy....not so great in the bodice, shoulders and arms. Yep, too big there. But it was a thrill to step into it again and have Kizzy zip it up and look in the mirror. I was instantly transported back to when I first tried on the dress and knew it was the one. And then I thought of Cliff's reaction when he saw me in the temple and all the feelings of the day came back. I am so happy and grateful for the choices I made to get to that day and for the choices I have made to be the woman I am today. I look at the pictures from my wedding day and see a girl who was hopelessly in love with the man she was standing next to and when I look at the pictures here I see a woman who is happy with who she is, still hopelessly in love with that same man and unbelievable happy with the life she is privileged to live.

I have recently finished the book Being Enough by Chieko N. Okazaki and found it to be very inspiring and thought provoking. To me the whole theme of the book was to remember who we really are - sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father - and that He has a plan for us. To be happy, to accept His Son, and to live our lives in a manner that we might return unto Him again. I also started reading a fictional series while I was in Raymond - The Great and Terrible - by Chris Stewart. It's a fictional account of the war in Heaven and how it continues here on earth and into the next life. I've read the first book so far and it has given me a lot to think about. I've never really spent a lot of time thinking about the time we spent before coming to the earth, or the choice that we made to be here, but it's hard not to after reading these books. And maybe it's because I am a mother now, or maybe it's because of recently answered prayers, but the past couple of weeks the responsibility I have as a mother to rear my children in righteousness has really hit home. I find myself thinking of a statement our Stake President made at our last stake conference. He said, "A mother's responsibility is to nurture her children. And nurturing does not include housework. If you want a maid, hire one. Spend time with your children, nurture and teach them. " Of course, I don't remember word for word what he said but that sums up the gist of the thought and I find myself trying to account at the end of the day - thinking about what we have done and if I have spent the day being a maid or if I have nurtured my children. Now don't get me wrong, a clean house is still important and something that has to get done - leaving it undone all the time is not what our steak president meant. I think he wanted us to open our eyes and remember that our children should come first and that we need to choose them over other things. What a responsibility we have! I'm so thankful for the example of my mom and Cliff's mom. If I can be like them I know my kids will turn out great!

And now for the funnies! Rhett is turning into such a little character. He's one minute sweet and funny and the next a screaming banshee on the floor. Sigh. Toddler hood. He is immensely attached to his blankie now (thank goodness!) and we took it to Raymond with us of course. Grammie helped me fix the corners and reinforce the ribbon for multiple washings...we had to sneak it away after he had fallen asleep and then I went and put it in the wash. For two days after that every time he was upset he would grab his blankie, cuddle it up to his face and then scream in furry and throw it on the floor. Repeat this process about 3 to 5 times. It was really the funniest thing to watch - I'm sure it's because it didn't smell right anymore and mom uses different soap then I do. He hasn't done that for awhile so I'm assuming it smells alright again. Of course it's due for another washing. Sigh the drama. He is also obsessed with phones! He knew the exact location of every phone in the house while at Grammie's and would hunt them out with diligence. But at least he was pretty good about leaving Grammie's pretty Christmas stuff alone. I must confess that I was a little worried.

Zane played hard hard hard. He found some remote controlled cars at Grammie's and just had to figure them out. Of course it was way more fun to have Grandpa Dooley chase him around the house with them! When we were discussing going to Barnwell he informed me that the first thing he was going to do was jump on the tramp. I told him I thought he should go in the house first for hugs and kisses and such first - he conceded but informed me that as soon as hugs and kisses were over he was headed for the tramp. Too funny.

It was a great week and although it's always sad to leave it's always nice to get home again. Poor Cliff got sick over the weekend and is still fighting it. I'm hoping that me and the boys don't get it....

It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas!

Now before you roll your eyes please note the date. That's right folks, I waited a whole 10 days longer this year than I usually do before decorating.

Decorating for Christmas has always been one of my favorite things to do. I love the spirit that comes with the Christmas season and I love to bring that visibly into my home. Zane was in turn endearing and so fun to decorate with but he also had his moments when he was over anxious and I stressed out a little over some of the breakables.

And then came the tree. Once we got it up, fluffed out, lights and garland on we decided to let the kids help finish....major step for the control freak in me! But it was fun for the most part. Rhett is too little to work the hooks or string so he just took whatever ball he could grab and would go and stuff it into the tree! I was kept busy trying to empty his decoration stash and evenly space out the ones that Zane was putting on. Cliff video taped while we did this and for the most part it went pretty well.

The boys and I will be packing up and heading for Raymond on Tuesday after preschool and the piano lessons I teach. We get to stay until Monday! I'm so lucky to be married to Cliff - he knows how much I get homesick and even though he misses us tons he always says that I should go and take the boys. And we get to spend a whole day in Barnwell this trip too! It's going to be a lot of fun...with a lot of work and planning tomorrow!

Just quick

Just quick to let everyone know that we are still here.
Zane is busily counting the days until Monday...when we get to decorate for Christmas. I've been trying to convince him that the real reason we have Christmas is because of Jesus' birth and not Santa and the presents. Sometimes he seems to get it and sometimes it just goes in one ear and out the other.
I've been busy compiling Christmas lists and I've actually started shopping and am making headway! Cliff and I did a little bit of early shopping today and bought me a replacement ring to wear until I'm at my final weight because my wedding ring is too big and I don't want to re-size it until I'm all done. It's a ring from Metalsmith's and is very different from my wedding ring but we both liked it a lot and I'm starting to get used to seeing it. The best part about it is that it is really snug on my finger and doesn't leave any doubt in other's minds that I'm married. I know that sounds a little shallow to some but it is important to me.
Rhett has finally decided that he loves his blanket that I made for him and when he's tired he goes looking for it and carries it around with him. So cute really but I don't have a picture to show off. Sorry!
Hope all is well with everyone!

Celebration!

This was me in January....I was 220 lbs and pretending to be happy. I'd had my hair done (it was my birthday) and although I was happy I was fat. But I wasn't ready to change.

This is me in April....still 220 lbs...still not happy that I was fat but still not ready to change.

This is me at 185 lbs....35 lbs down and feeling much happier.

Me around the same mid-way mark...definitely happier.

And this is me now...50lbs down! Yep I weighed in this morning at 170 lbs...and I feel fantastic! I have gone from a size 18 to a size 10 jean...from an XXL t-shirt to a L t-shirt. My bra size....well let's just say that I've decreased significantly! I am still on this journey...I want to lose another 25 lbs or so but the fact that I have reached this milestone that I used to only dream of has made my day. I remember I used to dream of the future and I would picture how much better life would be if I was 50+ lbs lighter...and of course it was always wonderful! The only thing was that in my dreams the weight just magically melted off without me changing the lifestyle I was living. I have woken up from that dream and have learned that to get the results I wanted I had to start living another life. I have learned and am still learning to make healthier choices in food, to eat less, to exercise more, and to be proud of what I can do. I have learned that some days are easier than others - some days it's really easy to walk past the fresh cookies on the counter and other days Cliff is the one baking and I'm hiding in our bedroom praying that the Lord will help me avoid the temptation. Some days my 3.5 mile run seems likes it's over before it has begun and others I feel like my legs are made of lead and that there is nothing in the world that could be worth the torture this run is. But it is worth it. Living healthy is not easy for everyone....i acknowledge that some people are naturally blessed not to have the addictive relationship with food that I have...but I also know that there are lots of us out there who do have this relationship. If you are one of them, please know that it is possible to change. It is possible to become healthier. It is possible to become the person that you want to be. But this person will not appear with the touch of an EASY button. You have to make the decision every morning and every time that you are faced with food throughout the day. And if you make a bad choice or a lot of bad choices just start over again. Pray. Our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy and that includes being happy with our bodies and how we feel and how we function. He will hear you and He will help you. Remember to reward yourself. Food rewards are OK but think differently....try to think of something that you used to enjoy doing but don't do anymore for one reason or another. Set small goals to get you to your bigger goals and celebrate those moments. This is a fight and every small goal is a victory against the enemy of overeating and addictive food. Don't live by the scale. Your body has many things that affect it and doesn't always reflect the changes you've made on the scale right away. Remember to look at all the small things that you've changed - exercise habits, eating better most of the time....

Remember that you are worth it and that the habits you have built up over years will not change over night but you are strong and can make the changes if you want them. And most of all remember that you are worth it!

Halloween!

Happy Halloween everyone! We've been very busy the past two days with activities.

Tuesday Zane had a party at pre-school and went as spider man...we forgot to get pictures of it as we were running late. Sigh. Then Tuesday night we had a ward Harvest Celebration - lots of fun carnival halloween games and a trunk or treat. It was so much fun...well Zane had a lot of fun. Poor Rhett is not feeling well and didn't have as much fun as his brother. But Grammie is here with us this week and she and Zane went around doing all the games and having a blast. And the candy haul...oh my goodness. We're not even going there.

Today of course is Halloween and daddy and Zane went trick or treating. And came back with sooo much more candy. He had a blast from what I understand and by the end of the night was going up to the door all by himself. Rhett stayed home with me and Grammie because little boys with fevers don't get to go trick or treating. Instead, he enjoyed watching backyardigans all by himself - as in did not move for 2 whole episodes.

I can't believe that October is here and gone....

This and That

This is Zane showing off his wonderful battle scar...he crashed into a rocking chair in the most bizarre way. I was sure that he had knocked out some teethe but thankfully he's just bruised up a bit.


Rhett loves to play the piano and he looks like such a little man sitting up there composing his masterpiece.

I have made a special blankie for Rhett...we're hoping it's going to help him sleep better. The basic idea behind it is to help him get attached to something other than me now that we've taken away the bottle. I've tried different stuffies and blankets that we already have and he just chucks them out of bed. So today he and I went to Walmart and I let him choose this material and put it all together this afternoon. He's had a few minutes of cuddling with it and then he ignores it. Sigh. I have to remind myself that this isn't going to happen instantly and that I'm going to have to encourage it...but if it helps him sleep better it will be totally worth it. I am to the point of exhaustion that I wake up with him next to me in our bed and have no recollection of how he got there. Not good.

A Do or Die Moment

Take a really good look at these pictures because future pictures of Rhett will be missing one critical item....have you guessed what it is yet? I'll give you a hint...it's in his mouth. Yep, you guessed it. We have terminated the existence of bottles in our house and it has been just as hard and horrible and exhausting as I thought it would be. Some would ask why I have put it off...Rhett will be 18 months in a couple of weeks...he's been drinking out of a cup for ages now...why bother with the bottle any longer? Simply because my darling little boy loves it more than anything else...well except maybe mom. And we have been cruel and heartless and taken it out of his life completely.

But let me back up and tell you how this all began... Back at the beginning of the summer when November seemed light years away I proclaimed to my family and closest friends that I was not going to let Rhett go to nursery with a bottle still attached to him. Sigh. I hate it when my words catch up to me. Seriously though it was just time. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that this was one of those moments that I was just going to have to suck it up and do it fast before I could talk myself out of it....like peeling off a band-aid really fast or trying out the new hairstyle before showing the picture to anyone who might talk you out of it. So Friday evening found me dropping the bottle nipples into the full garbage and almost experiencing a full-blown panic attack within the half hour. How stupid can you be...was my immediate thought when I clued into the fact that Cliff was going to be in Edmonton on Sunday and that I would be doing Sunday alone with a very cranky toddler all to myself. Friday night started out not too bad...a few tears but he seemed to accept that he was getting his milk in a cup and not his bottle and nodded off fairly quickly....then midnight rolled around and he screamed for 1/2 an hour and was up off and on for the rest of the night. Saturday night he slept till 3 but didn't go back to sleep until 5 and there were lots of tantrums before I finally just took him to bed with me because neither of us could handle it anymore. Oh...did I mention that I think he's cutting a tooth? Yep, not the brightest light in the box. Tonight's bedtime started off with him throwing a tantrum about sleeping in his bed...and mean old mom wouldn't give him his milk until he agreed to stay in bed. But he's asleep...and alive...and I'm just praying that we can both make it through the next couple of nights.

So this is what I know....changing habits and creating new ones is always hard...especially when someone else forces you to make the change. Rhett will eventually clue in to this new thing...Zane did and we both lived so there's hope for me and Rhett. My sweet wonderful little boy has the power to bring out the best in me and the worst in me....I'm hoping my best side wins tonight. And no matter what anyone else says cold turkey is the only way to go. I didn't with Zane and caved within the first 24 hours. I don't even think we would have made it till bedtime with Rhett.

My New Blessing...and some fun Stuff

This Saturday my dad arrived in Red Deer with this beautiful piano. It is my Christmas present and I can't think of anything better! It is wonderful to have a piano in our home...it makes it a home. The boys love it already and I cannot express in words the gratitude I feel to my parents for this wonderful gift. I have started teaching 2 pupils so far and hope to add more. I've also decided to start on the journey to completing my RCM accreditation. Which is basically completing my two grades of piano exams and theory exams. It's going to be a long journey...my fingers and my memory are rusty but it's something that I want to do for myself and for my family.

If you don't already know it I'll let you in on a little secret...I love fall. And I love to take pictures of my kids with leaves. I took these the other day at a local Red Deer Park where we had a picnic with Leslie and her kids. I love them all...

Kinsey graduated from college on Sunday...we went to Calgary for the ceremony and we are so proud of her! It was awesome to see her cross that stage as a college graduate. We also got a few family pics that are fun!

Life is good...