Tuesday seems like an eternity ago and yet this week has also just flown by. I can't believe that I am throwing another birthday party tomorrow and that my inlaws are arriving on Saturday. My house is so not ready. Most of me is ready.
I'm sure there are many out there wondering how I am....honestly there are moments when I wonder the same to. I am tired. Very very very tired. As long as I keep moving I'm good but if I sit in one spot for too long I'm a goner, unless I'm actually in bed. Then I just lay there awake wondering if I'll ever sleep again.
But I'm sure I will. Today I actually felt pretty much back to normal...minus being so tired. But that comes from a lot of different sources. I've told my mom and Leslie that I'm a little worried that I've just pushed everything so far down that I'm not dealing with it but then again there's a lot of things that I don't feel that I did the last time. I don't feel guilty, I don't feel cheated or wronged. I don't feel despair or anxiety that I'll never have another baby. I feel calm. I feel sad that it didn't work out but I do feel that there is one more baby to come to our family and that Heavenly Father will send that baby when it is time. And it will be perfect and everything will be the way it should.
So for now I'm ok. I've cried, I've laughed, I've grouched, and I've got on with life. There are still children to love, tickle and laugh with, a husband to love, things to bake, laundry to do, parties to plan, cheeks to kiss, lunches to make, and friends to enjoy. In short there is still a lot of life and one disappointment will not keep me from living it. I hope it makes me stronger, makes me more empathatic (is that really a word?) makes me slower to judge when someone is having a bad day. I need someone here right now that's a blog techie so I could sing the one line of a song that keeps going over and over in my mind and they could attach it here. 'So you've had a bad day.....' I don't know anymore of the words or chorus but it definitely fits the happenings of our last week. Thank goodness for people who love us, care for us and lift us up.
Thank you everyone for your kind words, phone calls, yummy food, shoulders to cry on and most of all friendship. There's a song called "You find out who your friends are" that I really like and I'm glad to say that all my friends proved the song right. Tomorrow is another day that starts a busy and action packed weekend. I'll keep you posted on all the crazy happenings. Hope all is well .
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Just For Me
The following blog is pure therapy for me...feel free to read it if you want but I'm warning you that it is not a happy blog.
It amazes me how a person can have such a huge range of emotions and feel every single one of them in a span of a few hours. When I woke up this morning, got ready to go, drove to town and sat in the doc's office I was confident that I was still pregnant. I had a blessing, prayers, everything made me think that this pregnancy was still viable. But blood doesn't lie....spotting plus no hormone means no baby. And that sucks. I don't understand how we can feel 100% sure that a baby is supposed to come into our home - and not only that but feel the urgency of not putting it off even for a few months - but that there is a child ready RIGHT NOW and then to find out we're pregnant and then find out that we're not anymore. To put it plainly it just really sucks. I know all the right answers, things weren't right, you would rather have a wonderfully healthy perfect baby, it's better that it happens now, you're going to be fine. I know all these because we've done this before. And I am glad that we were only 6 weeks this time instead of 12...it does make a difference. I don't have to have a D&C...we can try again soon if we want...BUT it still sucks. I also know that I have to grieve, get angry, accept it....right now I go from being really weepy, to numb, to I don't care about anything, to it's ok, to this sucks. I know that the Lord has a plan for all of us and that we all have trials for our good....but that doesn't make any less hurtful or make you stop wondering why. Not only did we find out through blood test that I'm miscarrying, but also that I have liver enzymes that are higher than normal again. Not very high, but high. I'm starting to think that being fat was better. This skinny thing just doesn't seem to be working out for me. Seriously, everything in me is screaming for me to open the bag of chocolate chips in the freezer and eat them by the handful. But what will that solve? Nothing. And then I'll just have to run them off just like I have to run off all the easter candy that I ate this weekend not to mention birthday pie and everything else. Why can't one just stay skinny once they've put in the work and determination once? I feel like I've been battling an uphill battle and now this is just one more big boulder that has been pushed in my way. I'm an emotional eater. This is a big emotional thing for me. That's all I want to write for now. Maybe more later. And remember, I warned you this wasn't a happy one.
It amazes me how a person can have such a huge range of emotions and feel every single one of them in a span of a few hours. When I woke up this morning, got ready to go, drove to town and sat in the doc's office I was confident that I was still pregnant. I had a blessing, prayers, everything made me think that this pregnancy was still viable. But blood doesn't lie....spotting plus no hormone means no baby. And that sucks. I don't understand how we can feel 100% sure that a baby is supposed to come into our home - and not only that but feel the urgency of not putting it off even for a few months - but that there is a child ready RIGHT NOW and then to find out we're pregnant and then find out that we're not anymore. To put it plainly it just really sucks. I know all the right answers, things weren't right, you would rather have a wonderfully healthy perfect baby, it's better that it happens now, you're going to be fine. I know all these because we've done this before. And I am glad that we were only 6 weeks this time instead of 12...it does make a difference. I don't have to have a D&C...we can try again soon if we want...BUT it still sucks. I also know that I have to grieve, get angry, accept it....right now I go from being really weepy, to numb, to I don't care about anything, to it's ok, to this sucks. I know that the Lord has a plan for all of us and that we all have trials for our good....but that doesn't make any less hurtful or make you stop wondering why. Not only did we find out through blood test that I'm miscarrying, but also that I have liver enzymes that are higher than normal again. Not very high, but high. I'm starting to think that being fat was better. This skinny thing just doesn't seem to be working out for me. Seriously, everything in me is screaming for me to open the bag of chocolate chips in the freezer and eat them by the handful. But what will that solve? Nothing. And then I'll just have to run them off just like I have to run off all the easter candy that I ate this weekend not to mention birthday pie and everything else. Why can't one just stay skinny once they've put in the work and determination once? I feel like I've been battling an uphill battle and now this is just one more big boulder that has been pushed in my way. I'm an emotional eater. This is a big emotional thing for me. That's all I want to write for now. Maybe more later. And remember, I warned you this wasn't a happy one.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Easter!
This weekend was also Easter! I love Easter for a number of reasons and this year we decided to celebrate here in Sylvan Lake. My family (minus Lish and Jay) were able to come up and celebrate with us. I decided not to cook a turkey - not brave enough yet - but we cooked a yummy ham, and stuffed potatoes and some really yummy chocolate pies for Zane's birthday. (Thanks Ashley for the recipie!) We were really busy all weekend decorating eggs, doing birthday stuff, song practices, games and of course the Easter bunny. The kids had a lot of fun finding all the eggs the tricky bunny left. Last year Rhett just followed Zane around and stole eggs out of his basket for his own. This year I just gave them an ice cream bucket and they both worked on filling it up. Zane was all about opening up the plastic eggs to find the candy in them while Rhett was just having fun finding eggs. We also just did one basket this year with something for both of them in it and chocolate bunnies. So much easier! I think I like the one basket thing....just will need to get a bigger basket since next year we'll have 3 little ones for the bunny to find!
I know that my blog has been void of pictures for awhile so here's a lot! Some of Zane's leprachon trap, decorating eggs, the kids playing "snow" with a whole box of kleenex (oh the things they come up with while I'm in the shower!) and just gener
al fun! Enj
oy!
al fun! Enj
oy!
5 years, 2 days
5 years and 2 days ago I became a mom. Zane Markus Johnson joined the wolrd on March 22, 2003...and this weekend we celebrated his 5th birthday. I've been thinking a lot about this and the amazing things that have happened in those 5 years. My baby boy has gone from being totally dependent on me for everything to a little boy who confidently goes to preschool, CTR 5 and friends houses without looking back. He loves stickers, scissors, games, friends, movies, computer games, playing with Daddy, Rhett, building things, puddle jumping.... He is a fussy eater - just like I was and will eat the same thing every day. He loves to learn...letters, numbers, math, card games, patterns, matching....it amazes me how fast he picks up on stuff. He loves his brother and is so good at including him...most of the time. He is so kindhearted and caring. He is also very good at picking up on things that I don't think he's picked up on! He loves going to church and is counting birthdays until he's old enough to get baptized. He adores and is adored by all his grandparents and aunties and uncles. We feel so blessed to have him in our family...
A small part of me is sad because 5 feels like such a big kid age. He goes to kindergarten in the fall and my time of having him all to myself is rapidly coming to a close. But I am excited for him to grow and learn new things and become the wonderful person I know that he'll be. And before the tears start to flow here are some pictures:
These are picutres of pictures...we didn't have a digital camera when he was born! LOL. But here is my sweet boy at a couple of months old...hanging with daddy!
And now here is my grown-up 5 year old!
And now here is my grown-up 5 year old!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A Little Scattered
Does anyone else agree with me that it feels like forever since I have posted? It seems like I walk around all day doing whatever it is that I do and I have some wonderful, beautiful posts written in my head and by the time I get to sit down at the computer I can't remember half of what I've done in the day.
March has flown by....in with a lion and now teasing us with spring. That part I'm loving. I've actually started running outside again, or at least I was until the most recent blizzard blew in this weekend. Can you tell that I'm tired of winter? But at least the sun has been shining for the past couple of days and I only have a long patch of snow in my backyard now.
I'm trying to convince Zane that playing outside is something fun. Hard to do since this is the first time in his life that he's had a yard to play in. Some days he loves to be outside and other days, like today, he's completely bored and refuses to entertain himself. Oh well. He'll figure it out with more practice.
Cliff's been busy with work...Red Deer had their Home Show weekend the second weekend in March and he was very busy between that and the sale at the store. He had to work one of his rare Sundays which meant me braving church by myself. Uhg. Not my favorite but I'm happy to report that we all made it alive and mostly happy.
Right now my focus is on our house and all of the little projects that need to get finished up before putting it on the market. I have boxes to pack and store so that we can better stage it, trim to prime and paint, walls to wash....it's a little stressful but hopefully it will be worth it. We're really praying that someone is being prepared to buy it and that we will be able to buy another house and move in time to plant a garden. And yes, those words did come out of my mouth. I used to proclaim to my parents that I was not a farmer and never ever would I have a garden and now I'm crossing my fingers that it will work out this year.
There should be another post later this week...Zane is going to be 5! I can't believe I've been a mom this long! But that's another post!
March has flown by....in with a lion and now teasing us with spring. That part I'm loving. I've actually started running outside again, or at least I was until the most recent blizzard blew in this weekend. Can you tell that I'm tired of winter? But at least the sun has been shining for the past couple of days and I only have a long patch of snow in my backyard now.
I'm trying to convince Zane that playing outside is something fun. Hard to do since this is the first time in his life that he's had a yard to play in. Some days he loves to be outside and other days, like today, he's completely bored and refuses to entertain himself. Oh well. He'll figure it out with more practice.
Cliff's been busy with work...Red Deer had their Home Show weekend the second weekend in March and he was very busy between that and the sale at the store. He had to work one of his rare Sundays which meant me braving church by myself. Uhg. Not my favorite but I'm happy to report that we all made it alive and mostly happy.
Right now my focus is on our house and all of the little projects that need to get finished up before putting it on the market. I have boxes to pack and store so that we can better stage it, trim to prime and paint, walls to wash....it's a little stressful but hopefully it will be worth it. We're really praying that someone is being prepared to buy it and that we will be able to buy another house and move in time to plant a garden. And yes, those words did come out of my mouth. I used to proclaim to my parents that I was not a farmer and never ever would I have a garden and now I'm crossing my fingers that it will work out this year.
There should be another post later this week...Zane is going to be 5! I can't believe I've been a mom this long! But that's another post!
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Titles
I heard something last night that made me think about all the different titles that I hold or that I am known by. Here are a few:
Wife
Mother (and all the "titles" that come with it - doctor, chaufeur, chef, handy man, etc)
Eternal Companion
Sister Johnson
Mrs. Johnson
sister
daughter
choir pianist
rotational organist
relief society pianist
friend
visiting teacher
I was really amazed at all the different titles that are associated with me - and I'm sure I could come up with a few more. Last night as I was watching the Biggest Loser the contestants had a doctor come and talk to them. This doctor had himself been a contestant many seasons ago and has successfully kept off the weight he lost. This is the part that struck me : He told them that the hardest part in this journey was to maintain the weight loss and new habits that they have been learning. He told them that they were all on their way to being OBESITY SURVIVORS, but that getting to that final goal weight did not mean the fight was over. In order to stay healthy and be a "survivor" they were going to have to employ every piece of knowledge that they had gained and put it into action every day for the rest of their lives. This hit me hard. But it is true. Every day I have to fight to make healthy choices, to choose to eat less, eat better, exercise harder and push myself to stay healthy. It is so much easier to sit on the couch and do nothing than it is to lace up my shoes, pop in a DVD or go for a run. It's a lot easier to order pizza every weekend and eat more than my share than it is to plan a menu and stick to it. These things are all easier...BUT choosing to eat less, to exercise harder, to plan food menus in advance are worth it. My health is worth it, my family is worth it and this morning when I looked in the mirror I reminded myself that I am an Obesity Survivor, and I intend to stay one.
Wife
Mother (and all the "titles" that come with it - doctor, chaufeur, chef, handy man, etc)
Eternal Companion
Sister Johnson
Mrs. Johnson
sister
daughter
choir pianist
rotational organist
relief society pianist
friend
visiting teacher
I was really amazed at all the different titles that are associated with me - and I'm sure I could come up with a few more. Last night as I was watching the Biggest Loser the contestants had a doctor come and talk to them. This doctor had himself been a contestant many seasons ago and has successfully kept off the weight he lost. This is the part that struck me : He told them that the hardest part in this journey was to maintain the weight loss and new habits that they have been learning. He told them that they were all on their way to being OBESITY SURVIVORS, but that getting to that final goal weight did not mean the fight was over. In order to stay healthy and be a "survivor" they were going to have to employ every piece of knowledge that they had gained and put it into action every day for the rest of their lives. This hit me hard. But it is true. Every day I have to fight to make healthy choices, to choose to eat less, eat better, exercise harder and push myself to stay healthy. It is so much easier to sit on the couch and do nothing than it is to lace up my shoes, pop in a DVD or go for a run. It's a lot easier to order pizza every weekend and eat more than my share than it is to plan a menu and stick to it. These things are all easier...BUT choosing to eat less, to exercise harder, to plan food menus in advance are worth it. My health is worth it, my family is worth it and this morning when I looked in the mirror I reminded myself that I am an Obesity Survivor, and I intend to stay one.
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