Exhaustion

I am exhausted...emotionally and physically. And it is for the same reason that it usually is. Rhett detests sleeping. I am convinced that he hates the mere thought of sleep. Every nap is a struggle, every night is a struggle. He screamed for 15 minutes this afternoon before going to sleep, slept for 1/2 an hour, and woke up screaming mad. He screamed for 45 minutes before he calmed down. During this tirade I feel absolutely powerless. I can't get close to him - his body language is so conflicting - pick me up, put me down, I want my blanket, I don't want my blanket...and did I mention that I was trying to teach piano at the time? The whole thing started again when it was bedtime. He screamed for 20 minutes before he would let me cuddle him and then he immediately fell asleep. He's exhausted too. The past 3 or 4 nights he's woken up 3 to 4 times and each night he's been awake for at least an hour in the middle of the night. Most times he's waking up in a tantrum. I am out of ideas.
I know that this is disjointed and it sounds quite depressing....but right now this is what my brain and body feels like and I have to put it down somewhere. I know that years down the road I will read this again and remember how I felt and then I will remember what I did that made it better. Sigh. I wish I could see into the future so I would know what brilliant thing I came up with to make this better.

Home Again Home Again

While the boys and I were in Raymond and Barnwell we had so much fun. We did lots of hanging out, playing with grandparents and aunties and uncle, lots of shopping....aah the shopping...and of course I stayed up way too late and ate way too much yummy food. But it was such a nice break from our every day stuff. And as you might have noticed from the pictures, I couldn't resist trying on my wedding dress. It fit great in my hips and tummy....not so great in the bodice, shoulders and arms. Yep, too big there. But it was a thrill to step into it again and have Kizzy zip it up and look in the mirror. I was instantly transported back to when I first tried on the dress and knew it was the one. And then I thought of Cliff's reaction when he saw me in the temple and all the feelings of the day came back. I am so happy and grateful for the choices I made to get to that day and for the choices I have made to be the woman I am today. I look at the pictures from my wedding day and see a girl who was hopelessly in love with the man she was standing next to and when I look at the pictures here I see a woman who is happy with who she is, still hopelessly in love with that same man and unbelievable happy with the life she is privileged to live.

I have recently finished the book Being Enough by Chieko N. Okazaki and found it to be very inspiring and thought provoking. To me the whole theme of the book was to remember who we really are - sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father - and that He has a plan for us. To be happy, to accept His Son, and to live our lives in a manner that we might return unto Him again. I also started reading a fictional series while I was in Raymond - The Great and Terrible - by Chris Stewart. It's a fictional account of the war in Heaven and how it continues here on earth and into the next life. I've read the first book so far and it has given me a lot to think about. I've never really spent a lot of time thinking about the time we spent before coming to the earth, or the choice that we made to be here, but it's hard not to after reading these books. And maybe it's because I am a mother now, or maybe it's because of recently answered prayers, but the past couple of weeks the responsibility I have as a mother to rear my children in righteousness has really hit home. I find myself thinking of a statement our Stake President made at our last stake conference. He said, "A mother's responsibility is to nurture her children. And nurturing does not include housework. If you want a maid, hire one. Spend time with your children, nurture and teach them. " Of course, I don't remember word for word what he said but that sums up the gist of the thought and I find myself trying to account at the end of the day - thinking about what we have done and if I have spent the day being a maid or if I have nurtured my children. Now don't get me wrong, a clean house is still important and something that has to get done - leaving it undone all the time is not what our steak president meant. I think he wanted us to open our eyes and remember that our children should come first and that we need to choose them over other things. What a responsibility we have! I'm so thankful for the example of my mom and Cliff's mom. If I can be like them I know my kids will turn out great!

And now for the funnies! Rhett is turning into such a little character. He's one minute sweet and funny and the next a screaming banshee on the floor. Sigh. Toddler hood. He is immensely attached to his blankie now (thank goodness!) and we took it to Raymond with us of course. Grammie helped me fix the corners and reinforce the ribbon for multiple washings...we had to sneak it away after he had fallen asleep and then I went and put it in the wash. For two days after that every time he was upset he would grab his blankie, cuddle it up to his face and then scream in furry and throw it on the floor. Repeat this process about 3 to 5 times. It was really the funniest thing to watch - I'm sure it's because it didn't smell right anymore and mom uses different soap then I do. He hasn't done that for awhile so I'm assuming it smells alright again. Of course it's due for another washing. Sigh the drama. He is also obsessed with phones! He knew the exact location of every phone in the house while at Grammie's and would hunt them out with diligence. But at least he was pretty good about leaving Grammie's pretty Christmas stuff alone. I must confess that I was a little worried.

Zane played hard hard hard. He found some remote controlled cars at Grammie's and just had to figure them out. Of course it was way more fun to have Grandpa Dooley chase him around the house with them! When we were discussing going to Barnwell he informed me that the first thing he was going to do was jump on the tramp. I told him I thought he should go in the house first for hugs and kisses and such first - he conceded but informed me that as soon as hugs and kisses were over he was headed for the tramp. Too funny.

It was a great week and although it's always sad to leave it's always nice to get home again. Poor Cliff got sick over the weekend and is still fighting it. I'm hoping that me and the boys don't get it....

It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas!

Now before you roll your eyes please note the date. That's right folks, I waited a whole 10 days longer this year than I usually do before decorating.

Decorating for Christmas has always been one of my favorite things to do. I love the spirit that comes with the Christmas season and I love to bring that visibly into my home. Zane was in turn endearing and so fun to decorate with but he also had his moments when he was over anxious and I stressed out a little over some of the breakables.

And then came the tree. Once we got it up, fluffed out, lights and garland on we decided to let the kids help finish....major step for the control freak in me! But it was fun for the most part. Rhett is too little to work the hooks or string so he just took whatever ball he could grab and would go and stuff it into the tree! I was kept busy trying to empty his decoration stash and evenly space out the ones that Zane was putting on. Cliff video taped while we did this and for the most part it went pretty well.

The boys and I will be packing up and heading for Raymond on Tuesday after preschool and the piano lessons I teach. We get to stay until Monday! I'm so lucky to be married to Cliff - he knows how much I get homesick and even though he misses us tons he always says that I should go and take the boys. And we get to spend a whole day in Barnwell this trip too! It's going to be a lot of fun...with a lot of work and planning tomorrow!

Just quick

Just quick to let everyone know that we are still here.
Zane is busily counting the days until Monday...when we get to decorate for Christmas. I've been trying to convince him that the real reason we have Christmas is because of Jesus' birth and not Santa and the presents. Sometimes he seems to get it and sometimes it just goes in one ear and out the other.
I've been busy compiling Christmas lists and I've actually started shopping and am making headway! Cliff and I did a little bit of early shopping today and bought me a replacement ring to wear until I'm at my final weight because my wedding ring is too big and I don't want to re-size it until I'm all done. It's a ring from Metalsmith's and is very different from my wedding ring but we both liked it a lot and I'm starting to get used to seeing it. The best part about it is that it is really snug on my finger and doesn't leave any doubt in other's minds that I'm married. I know that sounds a little shallow to some but it is important to me.
Rhett has finally decided that he loves his blanket that I made for him and when he's tired he goes looking for it and carries it around with him. So cute really but I don't have a picture to show off. Sorry!
Hope all is well with everyone!

Celebration!

This was me in January....I was 220 lbs and pretending to be happy. I'd had my hair done (it was my birthday) and although I was happy I was fat. But I wasn't ready to change.

This is me in April....still 220 lbs...still not happy that I was fat but still not ready to change.

This is me at 185 lbs....35 lbs down and feeling much happier.

Me around the same mid-way mark...definitely happier.

And this is me now...50lbs down! Yep I weighed in this morning at 170 lbs...and I feel fantastic! I have gone from a size 18 to a size 10 jean...from an XXL t-shirt to a L t-shirt. My bra size....well let's just say that I've decreased significantly! I am still on this journey...I want to lose another 25 lbs or so but the fact that I have reached this milestone that I used to only dream of has made my day. I remember I used to dream of the future and I would picture how much better life would be if I was 50+ lbs lighter...and of course it was always wonderful! The only thing was that in my dreams the weight just magically melted off without me changing the lifestyle I was living. I have woken up from that dream and have learned that to get the results I wanted I had to start living another life. I have learned and am still learning to make healthier choices in food, to eat less, to exercise more, and to be proud of what I can do. I have learned that some days are easier than others - some days it's really easy to walk past the fresh cookies on the counter and other days Cliff is the one baking and I'm hiding in our bedroom praying that the Lord will help me avoid the temptation. Some days my 3.5 mile run seems likes it's over before it has begun and others I feel like my legs are made of lead and that there is nothing in the world that could be worth the torture this run is. But it is worth it. Living healthy is not easy for everyone....i acknowledge that some people are naturally blessed not to have the addictive relationship with food that I have...but I also know that there are lots of us out there who do have this relationship. If you are one of them, please know that it is possible to change. It is possible to become healthier. It is possible to become the person that you want to be. But this person will not appear with the touch of an EASY button. You have to make the decision every morning and every time that you are faced with food throughout the day. And if you make a bad choice or a lot of bad choices just start over again. Pray. Our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy and that includes being happy with our bodies and how we feel and how we function. He will hear you and He will help you. Remember to reward yourself. Food rewards are OK but think differently....try to think of something that you used to enjoy doing but don't do anymore for one reason or another. Set small goals to get you to your bigger goals and celebrate those moments. This is a fight and every small goal is a victory against the enemy of overeating and addictive food. Don't live by the scale. Your body has many things that affect it and doesn't always reflect the changes you've made on the scale right away. Remember to look at all the small things that you've changed - exercise habits, eating better most of the time....

Remember that you are worth it and that the habits you have built up over years will not change over night but you are strong and can make the changes if you want them. And most of all remember that you are worth it!