I think I'm ready...

Well I think I am finally ready to write my blog that has been rolling around in my head for awhile...but maybe I'll get to the end and realize that I didn't really need to write it or that it is completely different from what I had written in my head. I guess we'll see!

So to start at the beginning I have a confession to make: I have been eating way too much and exercising way too little...the result is gaining 10 lbs since the beginning of February. Yep, 10 lbs in just under 3 months. Yuck. My clothes tell me, my scale tells me and as I have watched the numbers creep up I have continued to put off doing the things I should be doing instead of getting motivated and stopping the bad cycle. Now, here is where I need to interject that the next part of this is not written for compliment fishing. And it also very hard for me to put into writing because it is brutally honest and I don't really like how it makes me look as a person. But I keep reminding myself that this is really my journal and that these things and my life will be important to my family one day. So, big breath...When I started losing the weight back in June I did it because I was tired of looking fat, feeling fat, and being fat. I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to be able to wear "normal" clothes, feel good in them and be proud of what I looked like. I didn't want my kids to grow up with a fat mom. The better health, more energy, yada yada yada were all great too, but really I just wanted to be skinny...for once. I started out really great, and the program I chose for myself worked really well for me. I had to tweak it here and there and I definitely wasn't perfect at it...but by Christmas I had hit my 60 lb mark. Wow.....and all along the way wonderful people who love me and people who like me and some who just haven't seen me for a while would comment on how good I looked. (thanks if you were one of them) and I ate it up and somewhere along the way I got caught up in the "high" if you will of being noticed for a positive change...and one that admittedly was dramatic. Now, I"m not saying that I didn't deserve those compliments, I worked really really hard to get there....the problem has come in that since I've been maintaining I don't get that constant positive feedback from others in my life...and here's the kicker and what I've really realized and what's really hard to type. Yes, I'm prolonging it...OK, I'm going to type it quick like you pull a band aid off : I have realized that I don't love myself enough. Enough for what you ask....enough to keep myself from self sabotaging my efforts of the last months. Do you remember what I wrote at the beginning? I've put on 10 lbs in the last 3 months. I've been giving lip service to exercise while eating anything that I wanted. I know better than this and it was driving me nuts!! I mean, what am I doing? I'm throwing it all away. All my work, my effort, and my wonderful new wardrobe! Yes, there are some things health wise that contributed...but I'm not giving myself that excuse. Really I dropped the ball because when I look in the mirror I don't see someone who I totally love. Oh, I really like me most days, but as I've been thinking about this, and praying about this, and meditating about this (for quite awhile now) the answer came to me. I need to love myself enough to make the sacrifice of food and time for exercise worth it. I need to love me and do it only for me and not for the feel good strokes I get from people (although those are always appreciated!).

I've also been experiencing "Divine Discontent"....Emily Watts talked about it in her "How to Survive your Greatest Blessings" talk - Neil A Maxwell actually coined the phrase. Anyways, the gist of it is that there are times in our life when we feel like we aren't good enough, and that's ok, because really we aren't. We are not good enough to make it back to our Heavenly Father without the help of our wonderful Savior, Jesus Christ. Spiritual disconcern helps us become aware of things in our lives that we need to change to get one step closer in our eternal progression. And so as I have been mulling this all over and trying to come up with a plan I have made a few changes. I'm trying to increase my spirituality, I'm praying that my Heavenly Father will help me to love myself the way that He loves me, and I'm thanking him for every new day that I get to start over, fresh and ready to try again. Because I'd be hooped without 'do-over' days! So today I'm celebrating because I went for a fantastic, heart pumping and sunshine drinking walk before Cliff left for work. I know I was moving because the route I did I usually run in 35 minutes and I walked it in 45....(have to give running up for awhile because every time I do it seems to bug up my knee for a couple of days.) I've done good on eating so far, me and the kids are going for a great walk after Rhett's nap and we have an active FHE that we get to go to with a bunch of friends. I know that I am not going to wake up tomorrow and be 10 lbs lighter...I'll be lucky to be a few ounces lighter. But I'm not getting on my scale until next Monday, and I'm going to give it my best effort every day to love myself enough to make the good choices that I know I need to. See, it's not just about the weight anymore. I'm happier when I exercise, eat good and when I'm not worrying about what's going to fit me that day. And I'm definitely happier when I say my prayers, read my scriptures and try to have the spirit with me in my day. So, here's to do overs and start overs and whatever other overs you may need in your life!

Still working on it....

I am still around...I've been painting trim in my house because we're trying to get it ready to sell...it seems like we've been in this state forever but we're slowly getting the projects done. The massive dump of snow did not help as it caused one of our eaves troughs to fall off our house! And of course it couldn't be one of the small ones at the front or back...it had to be one of the ones that runs the entire length of our house. Leslie was dropping her kids off on Wednesday and we were chatting for a few minutes when all of a sudden it just dropped. We both just stood there looking at each other like "that did not just happened" it really was kinda funny the way it happened but adds one more thing to our list and the last blast of winter has set us back by about 2 weeks now...sigh. I keep reminding myself that our Heavenly Father controls the weather and knows we want to sell so maybe we're supposed to wait a couple of more weeks?
I have a really good post forming in my head...but I'm not quite ready to put it into words...I want it here recorded for me and my memory and hopefully for my kids and so forth, but it's one of those that makes sense in your head when you're thinking about it but not when you try to put it into words. So I"ll let you know when I get there.
We got a new Relief Society presidency today in church...I was surprised but now surprised and think the new presidency will be fantastic! But will miss the old one too.
Zane asked/told me something the other day that really just stunned me....and Leslie as well since I was talking to her on the phone at the time....I was doing something in the kitchen and Rhett was asleep, Zane was watching a movie when he walked in the kitchen, sat on a chair and said very matter of fact "mommy I know why our baby isn't in your tummy anymore....it's because Rhett kicked you too many times" (Rhett likes to kick a lot when he's getting his diaper changed and occasionally lands one) It felt to me like time froze for a few seconds. How do you explain to your 5 year old that his younger brother did not make you not have a baby in your tummy anymore and who knew that he was still pondering over this? Thank goodness Heavenly Father has given us the gift of the Holy Ghost because even though it felt like time had stopped I heard myself very calmly explaining to him that Rhett had not made the baby leave my tummy...that something went wrong and the baby wasn't growing correctly in my tummy and that was why we didn't have a baby anymore. I thought that was the end of it but he made another comment a few seconds later so I told him that mommy and daddy had gone to the temple and that Heavenly Father had the Holy Ghost whisper in mommy's head that we would have another baby. I told him when it was time Heavenly Father would put another baby in mommy's tummy...that seemed to appease him but oh my gosh! The things that are going through that boy's head scare me sometimes! He is 5!!!! I'm so thankful that he is young enough and innocent enough to tell me these things though...I hope that doesn't change as he gets older.
Hmmm...this is kind of a random post but I know it's been a while...I'm working on a quilt and it's calling my name right now...I'll post pictures soon. Thanks Whitney for the brilliant tutorial on the circle quilt. I'm loving how mine is turning out!

family time

As you can see we had a TON of fun on our vacation to Banff. We stayed at the Douglas Fir Resort and it was awesome for our young family. They really cater to families...there was a water park with 2 water slides, a kiddie pool, a huge hot tub, and a sauna. Another pool and hot tub in another area of the hotel, a huge indoor playground that was so fun and a great exercise room for me!

Our room had a full kitchen and a fireplace so we could eat when and what we wanted and Cliff made a fire every night...so nice! The first night we got there Rhett was so not impressed about getting his swimming suite on...and then he hated the baby pool. So I decided to haul him up the stairs to the top of one of the water slides and down we went. As soon as we hit the pool he was saying "Again...again..again.." He was hooked and begged to go up and down for the rest of the night. At least until Cliff went and got in the hot tub. Then he decided to chill with Daddy and stayed there for a good 15 minutes. He just liked to watch his hands float in the bubbles. Zane did awesome...he needed one of us to go with him the first couple of times, then decided he was brave enough to go it alone if we caught him and after a few more times usually would go down without anyone at the bottom. He had so much fun and counted the hours for the next 2 days until the water park opened at 4 pm. We tried out the indoor playground on Tuesday morning and had a blast. We weren't supposed to be on it with them but Rhett really couldn't get anywhere without help so we went for it...it was a workout in and of itself climbing and crawling and all that stuff but again so fun. Wednesday we did a little bit of shopping and after lunch we headed for the gondola ride up Sulphur Mountain. I was pretty nervous going up the mountain - had a running prayer that the cable would hold and that we wouldn't end up bouncing down the mountain in the gondola...very irrational I know...but I think it's a mom thing. I never would have thought like that before the boys. But once we got to the top it was gorgeous and worth the stress but FREEZING! The pictures of us holding Rhett as he is screaming is because he wanted to explore the snow at the edge of the mountain and we were cruel parents and wouldn't let him anywhere near the edge of the mountain. So unreasonable, I know, but we have to do something to keep us in the running for the meanest parents in the world award! Rhett was so cute on the ride up and down the mountain because he would watch the other side of the cable for the gondolas and every time he saw one it was "there it is" . Zane informed us before we started up the mountain that he was afraid of heights but the whole way up he was looking around and telling us how cool it was and that he wasn't scared. My little daredevil!

We had a wonderful time and will probably go back to the hotel again because it had so much for the kids to do that was included in our room price and we didn't have to leave the hotel to get there. So nice.
Yesterday Cliff and I went to the temple (thanks again Leslie for watching the boys) and had a wonderful time. We both got some answers and had wonderful spiritual experiences.

Today I'm hoping to get the rest of my painting finished up and possibly some furniture moved around!

Again...I Know

Yes, I know...I don't blog for days and now I'm here again writing away and you're probably sick of me. But for some reason I'm in the mood to write and since it's my blog and my thoughts....well you get the picture.

Rhett is almsot 2 and does not sleep through the night. I know that this is partly my fault....his latest thing is wanting to sleep with us. And I'll admit that for awhile I let him...until he started crawling into bed with us by 1:30 in the morning and tried to take over the entire bed. Just when I thought I was going to go beserk (yes, it's a word) and spent a night of pure Hell (yes, that's right - screaming for hours on end because I wouldn't let him in our bed) we hit upon a novel solution:

We put the boys in seperate rooms and put Rhett in the loft bed. We had originally planned on using our folded out futon as a bedframe so to speak and just put Rhett's mattress on top just temporarily....but Zane saw what I had done and HAD to have this bed. I quickly did a mental check on how this would figure in to my GET-RHETT-TO-SLEEP-IN-HIS-OWN-BED-AND-THROUGH-THE-NIGHT plan and decided it worked great. And here's why: The loft bed that Rhett now occupies is like a mini bunk bed without the bottom bunk and not quite all the height - great for storing toys under - and it has built in rail all the way around the mattress. Rhett CAN go up and down the ladder by himself but absolutely refuses to get out of this bed unless I am there. Light bulb moment! Rhett has spent the last 2 nights in his own bed...and we're working on the waking up thing. The first night he woke up every hour after midnight...and last night it was every 2 hours after 1:30...so I'm hoping tonight he keeps up the trend and lasts longer before waking up and then goes back to sleep for a longer period of time.

And hopefully the next time we have a child I will have figured out some things a little better and won't be as desperate for sleep as I was with Rhett. Yes, his bad habits stem from mostly me but I would like to defend myself and say that they all came from doing what I could do to gain the most sleep. I think in his entire lifetime my child has slept soundly through the night maybe 5 times...sleep deprivation makes you do funny things!

So judge me if you will, roll your eyes and swear up and down that your children will never be like mine, but if you could please say a prayer that he starts to sleep through the night because I think we have suffered long enough. And his daddy is in Brooks tonight at a basket ball tournament so I'm going this solo tonight.

As a side note we had soooo much fun at the park today. The weather was gorgeous, lots of fun kids to play with and a wonderful mom for me to chat to. We've never met before and ended up chatting for a good hour and a half today.

And some random pictures....I know I've been slacking on adding them. I meant to add some yesterday, I really did!

10 Things I Want to Remember About....

Zane:
1. His wonderful imagination...today they went to space and packed socks, some food, underwear, a movie in case they got bored and after some coaxing a picture of mom and dad
2. His fascination with spider man...he's always 'spinning webs', perfecting moves and fighting Venom
3. his love for preschool....he will do almost anything if the threat involves not going to preschool
4. his absolute stubbornness that has happened since turning 5 - infuriating but admirable in some cases
5. his protection of Rhett - when they play outside he assures me he'll make sure that Rhett stays in the yard
6. his random shows of affection -hugs, kisses, proclamations of love
7. his prayers - the other night he prayed and asked Jesus to protect the world and to protect him and Rhett from monsters even though they aren't real
8. his laugh
9. his excitement over riding his bike
10. his proclamation "today is a perfect day to go to the park" as soon as the sun peeks out of the clouds

Rhett:
1. his excitement over trucks and cars...runs around the house with toy trucks in his hands yelling truck, truck, 1,2 ...truck, truck
2. fun words and phrases: I'm stuck, I got you, I got you again, peekaboo, bye...love you, see you, night, night, (and many more)
3. how he folds his arms to pray
4. how he eats his peanut butter sandwiches...both hands in the peanut butter and lick it off the fingers...if he gets some bread in there too all the better
5. how cranky and cuddly he is when he wakes up from a nap
6. he still naps for an average of 2 hours a day...hallelujah!
7. he LOVES outside
8. tantrums he throws when it's time to take his coat/shoes/hat off
9. ask him if he wants to go outside and he's gone looking for his shoes, hat, coat and waiting at the door
10. anything Zane does he can do to....at least in his mind!

Our Family....
1. we are doing pretty good at FHE every Monday...short but sweet and we've just started the articles of faith
2. we read the picture scripture books at night and if we forget Zane is quick to remind us
3. we love to play board games...Rhett can be a little over zealous sometimes
4. we count sleeps until something fun like a trip or a visit to or from grandmas and grandpas
5. we love oatmeal chocolate chip cookies
6. we love ice cream
7. we are about to take our first family vacation that is not to a grandparent's house
8. we all enjoy going through show homes (the boys really surprised us on this one!)
9. we like to watch movies
10. we don't regret the choice for me to stay home with the boys

me:
1. I'm outnumbered by the boys...but I'm spoiled by the adoration
2. Zane tells me I'm the best chef (even though he only eats about 1/2 of what i cook)
3. I am more sleep deprived than I ever thought I could be
4. I have been blessed with some of the best friends that a girl could ever ask for
5. I love that I have music callings...I don't ever want anything else...maybe just one at a time instead of multiples!
6. I am so happy that I started this blog and have a record for my posterity - I print this off every couple of months and write as though I was penning a journal
7. I love to bake and cook
8. I want to attend the temple more often
9. I am proud of what I've accomplished so far weight wise and am looking forward to finishing off
10. I am looking forward to the privilege of being a mother again...whenever it is that the Lord blesses us with the opportunity

Cliff
1. spoils me rotten
2. very rarely tells me no
3. tells me he loves me every day
4. works so hard so I can be home with the boys
5. is the world's best daddy
6. loves his lazy boy and I would light it on fire
7. loves volleyball and plays almost every week
8. would coach volleyball again in a heartbeat given the opportunity
9. is looking forward to golf season...already has his clubs in the car!
10. knows how to work but also how to relax!

Life is always changing...not too long from now some things on these lists will have changed and some will have stayed the same. But it will be fun to look back and remember...that's why we do this isn't it? To enrich our memories and preserve them for others to read and maybe learn from?

Light bulb moments...

Do you ever have those moments when something that is so familiar to you that you could recite it, sing it or do it without even thinking of it suddenly seems so different? But in a good way? Like it's taught you something and it seems so obvious that you wonder how in the world you ever missed it?
I sing I Am A Child of God every night to the boys...all four verses. And lately I have felt the spirit gently teaching me as I have paid more attention to the lyrics I am singing and not just singing words for the boys to hear. So here is my thought process...
There are four verses and to me they build on each other like stepping stones....verse one talks of being a child of God, and being sent to earth to our parents. This is essential information but very basic. Verse two acknowledges being a child of God but now recognizes that there is a need to learn more of Him and that there is a limited time in which we have to do this. Verse three again acknowledges being a child of God and now has the understanding that we are blessed with so many rich things from our loving Heavenly Father and that we have a part in receiving those wonderful blessings. Verse four is my favorite.

I am a child of God

His promises are sure

If I but learn to do His will

I'll live with Him once more

To me this is the culmination of the whole song and why we are here on this earth. We have reached a point of understanding and trust in our Father in Heaven in this verse and understand that He has promised us so many wonderful things...not just promises but sure promises that will be realized if we do our part. What could be more wonderful than returning to our Heavenly Father's presence?

I am so grateful for music and for the things that it can teach us when we allow our spiritual ears to hear and our hearts to feel. I truly believe that music is a gift from our Father that we can all enjoy whether we have musical talent or not. I pray that I can teach my children to feel the spirit through music and that it will be a blessing in their lives as it has been in mine.

Here I Am

I really don't have any good excuse for not writing a blog earlier....sure I've been busy but so has every one else. So what have I been busy doing?
Wednesday was Averly's baby shower. Grace is so precious and she got so many cute little pink things. One day....
Thursday Leslie and I had a well deserved girls night and watched No Reservations. It was a great chick flick and I normally don't like chick flicks. We ate some junk food and had a great time. Thanks Les!
Friday Cliff and I went and hung out with Colin and Megan Anderson. Made some yummy pizzas, went bowling and played some pool. I think I am honestly the worst pool player on the planet but by some fluke managed to beat Megan. We ended the night with yummy Slurpee's.
Saturday night we had tickets to see a comedian....some of his stuff was good and some was crude. Definitely a disappointment for the amount of money that we paid for the tickets but now we know for next year.
Saturday and Sunday were awesome in some ways and not so awesome in others. Awesome part was conference....listened/watched on the Internet here and really enjoyed all the talks. Can't wait for Thursday so I can re-read some of my favorites. Feel so blessed to belong to this church and to be led by a true and living prophet. I have always loved President Monson and was really impressed with the whole conference. Not so awesome was the head cold that I have been fighting for a week now....I seriously had doubts about whether or not I would ever be medication free or be able to breathe on my own again. I'm glad to report that I'm almost there.
We all have spring fever here....especially Rhett. He finds his shoes at all hours of the day and begs me to let him outside. We've been out as much as we can and even made the trek the other day to the big park across the lake. Zane rode his bike and freaked out for most of the ride there. He was convinced he would fall if I wasn't holding on to him(as long as he can feel or see my hand somewhere he was fine) but I was trying to help him and push the stroller as well. It wasn't going well and somewhere in Sylvan there is a teenager who is thanking his lucky stars I'm not his mother as he walked past us at the precise moment that Zane burst into tears and I told him to suck it up and pedal. Yes, those were my exact words, and no, it is not one of my prouder moments as a mother. He did much better on the ride home and we made it home without tears or me freaking out like a deranged mom.
Is it just my kids or are there others out there now that seem to be doing everything in their power to drive their mother nuts? I'll spare you the details because I feel like I've been doing a lot of whining on here lately....but seriously!
Cliff has 2 more days of work before a much deserved vacation! He's playing in a basketball tourny this weekend with a bunch of guys that he plays with every week. They have to go to Brooks and I am staying here because 2 days in a gym with 2 kids is not my idea of a vacation or even a fun time. He'll be home sometime on Saturday and then on Monday we're taking off to Banff. It will be our first official family vacation...ie somewhere other than Grandma and Grandpas! We've booked a great hotel room at a resort with indoor water slides and a huge indoor kiddie playground. Neither of us has really been to Banff before ( we stayed one night on a show choir tour when I was in high school but that hardly counts) so any suggestions of fun things to do are welcome. We're mostly just going for a change of scenery, no responsibilities, and some good family time. We'll be back sometime on Thursday and will hopefully get a few projects around the house finished off before Cliff heads back to work on the Monday.
In the meantime I'm trying to get healthy, crossing my fingers that everyone else stays healthy and that my sanity stays somewhat intact!