I think I'm ready...

Well I think I am finally ready to write my blog that has been rolling around in my head for awhile...but maybe I'll get to the end and realize that I didn't really need to write it or that it is completely different from what I had written in my head. I guess we'll see!

So to start at the beginning I have a confession to make: I have been eating way too much and exercising way too little...the result is gaining 10 lbs since the beginning of February. Yep, 10 lbs in just under 3 months. Yuck. My clothes tell me, my scale tells me and as I have watched the numbers creep up I have continued to put off doing the things I should be doing instead of getting motivated and stopping the bad cycle. Now, here is where I need to interject that the next part of this is not written for compliment fishing. And it also very hard for me to put into writing because it is brutally honest and I don't really like how it makes me look as a person. But I keep reminding myself that this is really my journal and that these things and my life will be important to my family one day. So, big breath...When I started losing the weight back in June I did it because I was tired of looking fat, feeling fat, and being fat. I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to be able to wear "normal" clothes, feel good in them and be proud of what I looked like. I didn't want my kids to grow up with a fat mom. The better health, more energy, yada yada yada were all great too, but really I just wanted to be skinny...for once. I started out really great, and the program I chose for myself worked really well for me. I had to tweak it here and there and I definitely wasn't perfect at it...but by Christmas I had hit my 60 lb mark. Wow.....and all along the way wonderful people who love me and people who like me and some who just haven't seen me for a while would comment on how good I looked. (thanks if you were one of them) and I ate it up and somewhere along the way I got caught up in the "high" if you will of being noticed for a positive change...and one that admittedly was dramatic. Now, I"m not saying that I didn't deserve those compliments, I worked really really hard to get there....the problem has come in that since I've been maintaining I don't get that constant positive feedback from others in my life...and here's the kicker and what I've really realized and what's really hard to type. Yes, I'm prolonging it...OK, I'm going to type it quick like you pull a band aid off : I have realized that I don't love myself enough. Enough for what you ask....enough to keep myself from self sabotaging my efforts of the last months. Do you remember what I wrote at the beginning? I've put on 10 lbs in the last 3 months. I've been giving lip service to exercise while eating anything that I wanted. I know better than this and it was driving me nuts!! I mean, what am I doing? I'm throwing it all away. All my work, my effort, and my wonderful new wardrobe! Yes, there are some things health wise that contributed...but I'm not giving myself that excuse. Really I dropped the ball because when I look in the mirror I don't see someone who I totally love. Oh, I really like me most days, but as I've been thinking about this, and praying about this, and meditating about this (for quite awhile now) the answer came to me. I need to love myself enough to make the sacrifice of food and time for exercise worth it. I need to love me and do it only for me and not for the feel good strokes I get from people (although those are always appreciated!).

I've also been experiencing "Divine Discontent"....Emily Watts talked about it in her "How to Survive your Greatest Blessings" talk - Neil A Maxwell actually coined the phrase. Anyways, the gist of it is that there are times in our life when we feel like we aren't good enough, and that's ok, because really we aren't. We are not good enough to make it back to our Heavenly Father without the help of our wonderful Savior, Jesus Christ. Spiritual disconcern helps us become aware of things in our lives that we need to change to get one step closer in our eternal progression. And so as I have been mulling this all over and trying to come up with a plan I have made a few changes. I'm trying to increase my spirituality, I'm praying that my Heavenly Father will help me to love myself the way that He loves me, and I'm thanking him for every new day that I get to start over, fresh and ready to try again. Because I'd be hooped without 'do-over' days! So today I'm celebrating because I went for a fantastic, heart pumping and sunshine drinking walk before Cliff left for work. I know I was moving because the route I did I usually run in 35 minutes and I walked it in 45....(have to give running up for awhile because every time I do it seems to bug up my knee for a couple of days.) I've done good on eating so far, me and the kids are going for a great walk after Rhett's nap and we have an active FHE that we get to go to with a bunch of friends. I know that I am not going to wake up tomorrow and be 10 lbs lighter...I'll be lucky to be a few ounces lighter. But I'm not getting on my scale until next Monday, and I'm going to give it my best effort every day to love myself enough to make the good choices that I know I need to. See, it's not just about the weight anymore. I'm happier when I exercise, eat good and when I'm not worrying about what's going to fit me that day. And I'm definitely happier when I say my prayers, read my scriptures and try to have the spirit with me in my day. So, here's to do overs and start overs and whatever other overs you may need in your life!