Just For Me

The following blog is pure therapy for me...feel free to read it if you want but I'm warning you that it is not a happy blog.

It amazes me how a person can have such a huge range of emotions and feel every single one of them in a span of a few hours. When I woke up this morning, got ready to go, drove to town and sat in the doc's office I was confident that I was still pregnant. I had a blessing, prayers, everything made me think that this pregnancy was still viable. But blood doesn't lie....spotting plus no hormone means no baby. And that sucks. I don't understand how we can feel 100% sure that a baby is supposed to come into our home - and not only that but feel the urgency of not putting it off even for a few months - but that there is a child ready RIGHT NOW and then to find out we're pregnant and then find out that we're not anymore. To put it plainly it just really sucks. I know all the right answers, things weren't right, you would rather have a wonderfully healthy perfect baby, it's better that it happens now, you're going to be fine. I know all these because we've done this before. And I am glad that we were only 6 weeks this time instead of 12...it does make a difference. I don't have to have a D&C...we can try again soon if we want...BUT it still sucks. I also know that I have to grieve, get angry, accept it....right now I go from being really weepy, to numb, to I don't care about anything, to it's ok, to this sucks. I know that the Lord has a plan for all of us and that we all have trials for our good....but that doesn't make any less hurtful or make you stop wondering why. Not only did we find out through blood test that I'm miscarrying, but also that I have liver enzymes that are higher than normal again. Not very high, but high. I'm starting to think that being fat was better. This skinny thing just doesn't seem to be working out for me. Seriously, everything in me is screaming for me to open the bag of chocolate chips in the freezer and eat them by the handful. But what will that solve? Nothing. And then I'll just have to run them off just like I have to run off all the easter candy that I ate this weekend not to mention birthday pie and everything else. Why can't one just stay skinny once they've put in the work and determination once? I feel like I've been battling an uphill battle and now this is just one more big boulder that has been pushed in my way. I'm an emotional eater. This is a big emotional thing for me. That's all I want to write for now. Maybe more later. And remember, I warned you this wasn't a happy one.