Exhaustion

I am exhausted...emotionally and physically. And it is for the same reason that it usually is. Rhett detests sleeping. I am convinced that he hates the mere thought of sleep. Every nap is a struggle, every night is a struggle. He screamed for 15 minutes this afternoon before going to sleep, slept for 1/2 an hour, and woke up screaming mad. He screamed for 45 minutes before he calmed down. During this tirade I feel absolutely powerless. I can't get close to him - his body language is so conflicting - pick me up, put me down, I want my blanket, I don't want my blanket...and did I mention that I was trying to teach piano at the time? The whole thing started again when it was bedtime. He screamed for 20 minutes before he would let me cuddle him and then he immediately fell asleep. He's exhausted too. The past 3 or 4 nights he's woken up 3 to 4 times and each night he's been awake for at least an hour in the middle of the night. Most times he's waking up in a tantrum. I am out of ideas.
I know that this is disjointed and it sounds quite depressing....but right now this is what my brain and body feels like and I have to put it down somewhere. I know that years down the road I will read this again and remember how I felt and then I will remember what I did that made it better. Sigh. I wish I could see into the future so I would know what brilliant thing I came up with to make this better.

Home Again Home Again

While the boys and I were in Raymond and Barnwell we had so much fun. We did lots of hanging out, playing with grandparents and aunties and uncle, lots of shopping....aah the shopping...and of course I stayed up way too late and ate way too much yummy food. But it was such a nice break from our every day stuff. And as you might have noticed from the pictures, I couldn't resist trying on my wedding dress. It fit great in my hips and tummy....not so great in the bodice, shoulders and arms. Yep, too big there. But it was a thrill to step into it again and have Kizzy zip it up and look in the mirror. I was instantly transported back to when I first tried on the dress and knew it was the one. And then I thought of Cliff's reaction when he saw me in the temple and all the feelings of the day came back. I am so happy and grateful for the choices I made to get to that day and for the choices I have made to be the woman I am today. I look at the pictures from my wedding day and see a girl who was hopelessly in love with the man she was standing next to and when I look at the pictures here I see a woman who is happy with who she is, still hopelessly in love with that same man and unbelievable happy with the life she is privileged to live.

I have recently finished the book Being Enough by Chieko N. Okazaki and found it to be very inspiring and thought provoking. To me the whole theme of the book was to remember who we really are - sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father - and that He has a plan for us. To be happy, to accept His Son, and to live our lives in a manner that we might return unto Him again. I also started reading a fictional series while I was in Raymond - The Great and Terrible - by Chris Stewart. It's a fictional account of the war in Heaven and how it continues here on earth and into the next life. I've read the first book so far and it has given me a lot to think about. I've never really spent a lot of time thinking about the time we spent before coming to the earth, or the choice that we made to be here, but it's hard not to after reading these books. And maybe it's because I am a mother now, or maybe it's because of recently answered prayers, but the past couple of weeks the responsibility I have as a mother to rear my children in righteousness has really hit home. I find myself thinking of a statement our Stake President made at our last stake conference. He said, "A mother's responsibility is to nurture her children. And nurturing does not include housework. If you want a maid, hire one. Spend time with your children, nurture and teach them. " Of course, I don't remember word for word what he said but that sums up the gist of the thought and I find myself trying to account at the end of the day - thinking about what we have done and if I have spent the day being a maid or if I have nurtured my children. Now don't get me wrong, a clean house is still important and something that has to get done - leaving it undone all the time is not what our steak president meant. I think he wanted us to open our eyes and remember that our children should come first and that we need to choose them over other things. What a responsibility we have! I'm so thankful for the example of my mom and Cliff's mom. If I can be like them I know my kids will turn out great!

And now for the funnies! Rhett is turning into such a little character. He's one minute sweet and funny and the next a screaming banshee on the floor. Sigh. Toddler hood. He is immensely attached to his blankie now (thank goodness!) and we took it to Raymond with us of course. Grammie helped me fix the corners and reinforce the ribbon for multiple washings...we had to sneak it away after he had fallen asleep and then I went and put it in the wash. For two days after that every time he was upset he would grab his blankie, cuddle it up to his face and then scream in furry and throw it on the floor. Repeat this process about 3 to 5 times. It was really the funniest thing to watch - I'm sure it's because it didn't smell right anymore and mom uses different soap then I do. He hasn't done that for awhile so I'm assuming it smells alright again. Of course it's due for another washing. Sigh the drama. He is also obsessed with phones! He knew the exact location of every phone in the house while at Grammie's and would hunt them out with diligence. But at least he was pretty good about leaving Grammie's pretty Christmas stuff alone. I must confess that I was a little worried.

Zane played hard hard hard. He found some remote controlled cars at Grammie's and just had to figure them out. Of course it was way more fun to have Grandpa Dooley chase him around the house with them! When we were discussing going to Barnwell he informed me that the first thing he was going to do was jump on the tramp. I told him I thought he should go in the house first for hugs and kisses and such first - he conceded but informed me that as soon as hugs and kisses were over he was headed for the tramp. Too funny.

It was a great week and although it's always sad to leave it's always nice to get home again. Poor Cliff got sick over the weekend and is still fighting it. I'm hoping that me and the boys don't get it....

It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas!

Now before you roll your eyes please note the date. That's right folks, I waited a whole 10 days longer this year than I usually do before decorating.

Decorating for Christmas has always been one of my favorite things to do. I love the spirit that comes with the Christmas season and I love to bring that visibly into my home. Zane was in turn endearing and so fun to decorate with but he also had his moments when he was over anxious and I stressed out a little over some of the breakables.

And then came the tree. Once we got it up, fluffed out, lights and garland on we decided to let the kids help finish....major step for the control freak in me! But it was fun for the most part. Rhett is too little to work the hooks or string so he just took whatever ball he could grab and would go and stuff it into the tree! I was kept busy trying to empty his decoration stash and evenly space out the ones that Zane was putting on. Cliff video taped while we did this and for the most part it went pretty well.

The boys and I will be packing up and heading for Raymond on Tuesday after preschool and the piano lessons I teach. We get to stay until Monday! I'm so lucky to be married to Cliff - he knows how much I get homesick and even though he misses us tons he always says that I should go and take the boys. And we get to spend a whole day in Barnwell this trip too! It's going to be a lot of fun...with a lot of work and planning tomorrow!

Just quick

Just quick to let everyone know that we are still here.
Zane is busily counting the days until Monday...when we get to decorate for Christmas. I've been trying to convince him that the real reason we have Christmas is because of Jesus' birth and not Santa and the presents. Sometimes he seems to get it and sometimes it just goes in one ear and out the other.
I've been busy compiling Christmas lists and I've actually started shopping and am making headway! Cliff and I did a little bit of early shopping today and bought me a replacement ring to wear until I'm at my final weight because my wedding ring is too big and I don't want to re-size it until I'm all done. It's a ring from Metalsmith's and is very different from my wedding ring but we both liked it a lot and I'm starting to get used to seeing it. The best part about it is that it is really snug on my finger and doesn't leave any doubt in other's minds that I'm married. I know that sounds a little shallow to some but it is important to me.
Rhett has finally decided that he loves his blanket that I made for him and when he's tired he goes looking for it and carries it around with him. So cute really but I don't have a picture to show off. Sorry!
Hope all is well with everyone!

Celebration!

This was me in January....I was 220 lbs and pretending to be happy. I'd had my hair done (it was my birthday) and although I was happy I was fat. But I wasn't ready to change.

This is me in April....still 220 lbs...still not happy that I was fat but still not ready to change.

This is me at 185 lbs....35 lbs down and feeling much happier.

Me around the same mid-way mark...definitely happier.

And this is me now...50lbs down! Yep I weighed in this morning at 170 lbs...and I feel fantastic! I have gone from a size 18 to a size 10 jean...from an XXL t-shirt to a L t-shirt. My bra size....well let's just say that I've decreased significantly! I am still on this journey...I want to lose another 25 lbs or so but the fact that I have reached this milestone that I used to only dream of has made my day. I remember I used to dream of the future and I would picture how much better life would be if I was 50+ lbs lighter...and of course it was always wonderful! The only thing was that in my dreams the weight just magically melted off without me changing the lifestyle I was living. I have woken up from that dream and have learned that to get the results I wanted I had to start living another life. I have learned and am still learning to make healthier choices in food, to eat less, to exercise more, and to be proud of what I can do. I have learned that some days are easier than others - some days it's really easy to walk past the fresh cookies on the counter and other days Cliff is the one baking and I'm hiding in our bedroom praying that the Lord will help me avoid the temptation. Some days my 3.5 mile run seems likes it's over before it has begun and others I feel like my legs are made of lead and that there is nothing in the world that could be worth the torture this run is. But it is worth it. Living healthy is not easy for everyone....i acknowledge that some people are naturally blessed not to have the addictive relationship with food that I have...but I also know that there are lots of us out there who do have this relationship. If you are one of them, please know that it is possible to change. It is possible to become healthier. It is possible to become the person that you want to be. But this person will not appear with the touch of an EASY button. You have to make the decision every morning and every time that you are faced with food throughout the day. And if you make a bad choice or a lot of bad choices just start over again. Pray. Our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy and that includes being happy with our bodies and how we feel and how we function. He will hear you and He will help you. Remember to reward yourself. Food rewards are OK but think differently....try to think of something that you used to enjoy doing but don't do anymore for one reason or another. Set small goals to get you to your bigger goals and celebrate those moments. This is a fight and every small goal is a victory against the enemy of overeating and addictive food. Don't live by the scale. Your body has many things that affect it and doesn't always reflect the changes you've made on the scale right away. Remember to look at all the small things that you've changed - exercise habits, eating better most of the time....

Remember that you are worth it and that the habits you have built up over years will not change over night but you are strong and can make the changes if you want them. And most of all remember that you are worth it!

Halloween!

Happy Halloween everyone! We've been very busy the past two days with activities.

Tuesday Zane had a party at pre-school and went as spider man...we forgot to get pictures of it as we were running late. Sigh. Then Tuesday night we had a ward Harvest Celebration - lots of fun carnival halloween games and a trunk or treat. It was so much fun...well Zane had a lot of fun. Poor Rhett is not feeling well and didn't have as much fun as his brother. But Grammie is here with us this week and she and Zane went around doing all the games and having a blast. And the candy haul...oh my goodness. We're not even going there.

Today of course is Halloween and daddy and Zane went trick or treating. And came back with sooo much more candy. He had a blast from what I understand and by the end of the night was going up to the door all by himself. Rhett stayed home with me and Grammie because little boys with fevers don't get to go trick or treating. Instead, he enjoyed watching backyardigans all by himself - as in did not move for 2 whole episodes.

I can't believe that October is here and gone....

This and That

This is Zane showing off his wonderful battle scar...he crashed into a rocking chair in the most bizarre way. I was sure that he had knocked out some teethe but thankfully he's just bruised up a bit.


Rhett loves to play the piano and he looks like such a little man sitting up there composing his masterpiece.

I have made a special blankie for Rhett...we're hoping it's going to help him sleep better. The basic idea behind it is to help him get attached to something other than me now that we've taken away the bottle. I've tried different stuffies and blankets that we already have and he just chucks them out of bed. So today he and I went to Walmart and I let him choose this material and put it all together this afternoon. He's had a few minutes of cuddling with it and then he ignores it. Sigh. I have to remind myself that this isn't going to happen instantly and that I'm going to have to encourage it...but if it helps him sleep better it will be totally worth it. I am to the point of exhaustion that I wake up with him next to me in our bed and have no recollection of how he got there. Not good.

A Do or Die Moment

Take a really good look at these pictures because future pictures of Rhett will be missing one critical item....have you guessed what it is yet? I'll give you a hint...it's in his mouth. Yep, you guessed it. We have terminated the existence of bottles in our house and it has been just as hard and horrible and exhausting as I thought it would be. Some would ask why I have put it off...Rhett will be 18 months in a couple of weeks...he's been drinking out of a cup for ages now...why bother with the bottle any longer? Simply because my darling little boy loves it more than anything else...well except maybe mom. And we have been cruel and heartless and taken it out of his life completely.

But let me back up and tell you how this all began... Back at the beginning of the summer when November seemed light years away I proclaimed to my family and closest friends that I was not going to let Rhett go to nursery with a bottle still attached to him. Sigh. I hate it when my words catch up to me. Seriously though it was just time. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that this was one of those moments that I was just going to have to suck it up and do it fast before I could talk myself out of it....like peeling off a band-aid really fast or trying out the new hairstyle before showing the picture to anyone who might talk you out of it. So Friday evening found me dropping the bottle nipples into the full garbage and almost experiencing a full-blown panic attack within the half hour. How stupid can you be...was my immediate thought when I clued into the fact that Cliff was going to be in Edmonton on Sunday and that I would be doing Sunday alone with a very cranky toddler all to myself. Friday night started out not too bad...a few tears but he seemed to accept that he was getting his milk in a cup and not his bottle and nodded off fairly quickly....then midnight rolled around and he screamed for 1/2 an hour and was up off and on for the rest of the night. Saturday night he slept till 3 but didn't go back to sleep until 5 and there were lots of tantrums before I finally just took him to bed with me because neither of us could handle it anymore. Oh...did I mention that I think he's cutting a tooth? Yep, not the brightest light in the box. Tonight's bedtime started off with him throwing a tantrum about sleeping in his bed...and mean old mom wouldn't give him his milk until he agreed to stay in bed. But he's asleep...and alive...and I'm just praying that we can both make it through the next couple of nights.

So this is what I know....changing habits and creating new ones is always hard...especially when someone else forces you to make the change. Rhett will eventually clue in to this new thing...Zane did and we both lived so there's hope for me and Rhett. My sweet wonderful little boy has the power to bring out the best in me and the worst in me....I'm hoping my best side wins tonight. And no matter what anyone else says cold turkey is the only way to go. I didn't with Zane and caved within the first 24 hours. I don't even think we would have made it till bedtime with Rhett.

My New Blessing...and some fun Stuff

This Saturday my dad arrived in Red Deer with this beautiful piano. It is my Christmas present and I can't think of anything better! It is wonderful to have a piano in our home...it makes it a home. The boys love it already and I cannot express in words the gratitude I feel to my parents for this wonderful gift. I have started teaching 2 pupils so far and hope to add more. I've also decided to start on the journey to completing my RCM accreditation. Which is basically completing my two grades of piano exams and theory exams. It's going to be a long journey...my fingers and my memory are rusty but it's something that I want to do for myself and for my family.

If you don't already know it I'll let you in on a little secret...I love fall. And I love to take pictures of my kids with leaves. I took these the other day at a local Red Deer Park where we had a picnic with Leslie and her kids. I love them all...

Kinsey graduated from college on Sunday...we went to Calgary for the ceremony and we are so proud of her! It was awesome to see her cross that stage as a college graduate. We also got a few family pics that are fun!

Life is good...

Life As I Know It...

I have been writing and re-writing this post in my head for the past 3 weeks. And every time I think I am going to be able to write it down and get it all out and reconnect with everyone...something comes up - boxes to unpack, babies to settle, Thanksgiving dinner, etc.

Let me start off with thanking everyone who helped us in any and every way over the past 6 weeks as we finished the mortgage papers, packed, renovated, packed, cleaned and moved. So many of our friends and family went above and beyond the call of service and it has been so humbling to be on the receiving end of service instead of the giving end. We have had our testimonies strengthened and I can stand and testify without a doubt in my mind that our Heavenly Father knows each one of us and has a plan specific and tailored to us.

I could go on and on but I know that there are those of you who are dying to see pictures. I'm going to try and do the whole extreme makeover thing and do the before and after pics in order...we'll see how it goes. Just let me give you a quick rundown of things in case you have forgotten what we did: We got possession of the house on the 17th (Monday) and started demo. Most of that was done by Wednesday and Thursday we started doing some drywall. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday the drywall was hung, taped, mudded, and sanded. The laminate floors went in as well...I have to thank Dad J and Jamie so much here - they worked so hard that weekend and if it wasn't for them we wouldn't have been able to finish! Monday am Kizzy and mom cleaned the house and started priming in the living room. Then mom took the kids back to Red Deer and Kizzy and I started the marathon paint job...We started at 1pm Monday and finished 8am Tuesday. Yes, we painted all night. We took a 2 hour break very very very early Tuesday am because we had to wait for the paint to dry but other than that we painted steadily. I never thought I would be able to move my hands properly again. I didn't realize how many muscles I had in my hands until then - and I'm a piano player! We had a few hiccoughs...like the first paint color I picked for our bedroom - pale avocado - not good at all. It looked like baby poop. Seriously. If you don't believe me ask Kizzy. Wednesday mom and I spent the day cleaning so we could move in and we moved our storage stuff into one of our sheds. Thursday I spent mostly trying to finish packing and cleaning in Red Deer and then Friday we started moving. Wow. Oh wait - you're wondering where the pictures are. I know you're thinking that I type too much and should just get on with it already...so here you go!

So these are some pictures of our living room before the big demo...

And here is a shot of some of the demo...

And almost done...I say almost because some of the trim is primed and some is not and the window isn't done being cased....but I love it anyway.

Onto the kitchen. I think I'm just going to put the pics in order...trying to get the typing and pics is taking too much time and I still have a big list to get done tonight.

We're really happy with how everything has turned out so far. We have a lot planned still...painting trim, staining transition pieces, tiling the bathroom, kitchen counter tops, painting trim outside, staining the deck, painting the fence...the list goes on and on. But we are happy with the decisions we have made and for the blessings our Father in Heaven has given us.

So what else have we been doing besides moving and stuff? Let's see...Cliff turned 29 the day after we moved and Mom J and Kristie had come up to help us unpack so they took us out to dinner and then I stunned everyone with my fine culinary skills by whipping out my debit card and buying an ice cream cake. Hey, a girl has to improvise when times call for it! Zane was disappointed that we didn't get to hang balloons and have a proper party but I told him we could do that at the next party because the paint was too new on the walls to handle tape.

Zane started preschool in the midst of all this chaos and is loving it. His teachers' name is Teacher Chandra and there are days that she is all I hear about. He goes Tuesday and Thursday mornings from 9 - 11:15. He's so excited on those days and can't wait to get there. I don't even get a hug when I drop him off. It's all about getting his inside shoes on and then he's gone! So, I'm really glad that we made the decision to put him in preschool. It seems to really be helping his confidence level and hopefully will make kindergarten easier on him. Rhett is not so sure he likes just hanging with mom - because we're out of town now I usually seize the opportunity to get as many errands done as possible with only one kid in tow...and Rhett can get bored without Zane to entertain him. But I think he's slowly getting used to the idea of no Zane for short periods of time. Thursday mornings we go to my weight watchers meeting (sill on the band wagon and making life changes...down 45 lbs if anyone wants to know!)

Let's see...what else...we've gone to 2 birthday parties, watched General Conference, decorated for Halloween (as you may have noticed the big spider hanging from my kitchen ceiling in one of the pictures) and really I don't know where all the time has gone!

I love my new laundry set! The only thing that is driving me nuts is that Rhett loves all the buttons as much as I do and the child lock locks all the keys except the turn on/off button...one day it took me over 3 hours to get one load of wash done because he kept turning it off and it would restart the whole cycle when I turned it back on. Frustration...thy name is toddler hood! And he is a toddler to a tee. He loves to climb on everything...especially my kitchen table. Only problem is that he can't get down. I got out of the shower the other day and he was screaming for me. I quickly threw a robe on and went running out to find him sitting in the middle of the table - stranded. And you would think that he would have learned his lesson...nope...he still climbs up there every chance he gets. He's so mischievous and yet he can make me laugh with just a look!

I also am loving my new fridge. It has a bottom freezer...something I was sure that I would hate when Cliff first pitched the idea (long before we knew we were buying this house) but it is fabulous to go to the fridge, open it up, and have everything that I want at standing height instead of constantly reaching or crouching down. It's an added bonus as well that Rhett can't open the door!

Oh, and my glass top stove. I actually don't mind when Cliff cooks bacon now...the mess is so much easier to clean up - and yes we have already tested it out.

Oh, we had Thanksgiving here. For most people that wouldn't be a big deal but this is the first Thanksgiving that we haven't gone home....yep, actually the first major holiday that we haven't been with our families since we've been married. A little weird...didn't really feel like Thanksgiving for awhile...but our wonderful friends the Robison's came over and spent the day with us. The guys built something, watched football and hockey on our massive TV, the kids mostly played well together, and I got to try out the convection cook option on my oven for the ham I bought. Everything was yummy yummy yummy and after the kids were all settled into bed (Robison kids slept in the playroom) we got to play Rook together. Something that we enjoy doing and haven't been able to do for a very long time.

This is probably where I should list a really long list of things that I am thankful for...but I've been at this for almost 2 hours now and am starting to get fidgety.

We do have to say thank you, thank you, thank you, to Kinsey. And congratulations as well. Kinsey has graduated in Dental Assisting and has been very blessed to obtain a fantastic job in Lethbridge with a great dentist! We're so proud and excited for her. As part of this new job (did I mention the part about making great money?) she has purchased a new to her jeep liberty and has decided to gift us with her little dodge neon so that we will now have a second vehicle for Cliff to run back and forth to work. Much better on gas and much easier on our family for the days that I need the van. Really there are no words to express how grateful we are for this new blessing. Thanks Kin!

Gee, as I type it all down it sure doesn't seem like we have been doing much but I promise you that my mornings are very early and my nights are very late. I always seem to have something to do or somewhere to go, but I wouldn't trade it. I am loving my life, learning to change my bad habits and addictions with food, and learning to relax and live my life. I am happy.

(sorry...can't figure out how to get rid of the big ugly white spot here...too much moving around of pictures and too late at night for me!)