Honesty

Hi. I'm back. Did you miss me? I bet some of you didn't even know I was gone....I went to Raymond for a week and it was lots of fun. A little interesting travelling with 3 kids by myself...but we got lots done. Mom and I made 2 nursing aprons because I've decided to nurse Brock longer than I had planned. He's doing great and I seem to be keeping up so I figured we'd stick with it. Sorry no pics right now. Maybe another time. We also had chest x-rays done on Brock because of a nice croupy cough. Luckily it's just an upper respiratory virus and nothing else...yet. Still waiting for it to go away. I got to attend my mom's RS March 17th party. It was very classy and fun. Got to see lots of people I haven't seen a long while. Auntie Lishe and Auntie Kizzy took the boys to a movie - Monsters vs Aliens. It was in 3-D and both kept their glasses on the whole time! It was Rhett's first time in the theater and once the movie started he did well and enjoyed it. I might have spent a lot of money on some really cute fabric for a quilt that I saw a pattern for and just LOVED it....Ooops. Did I just write that? It really is darling fabric and I'm itching to get at it. Let's see, what else? Dental work for me, shopping for the kids, lots of play time with grammie S and grandpa Dooley, visits and pictures with great grandpa Knibb, and Saturday in Barnwell with grandma and grandpa Johnson. Oh, and I figured out the hard way that if I eat too much fiber Brock is going to pay for it. Poor kid screamed almost all day Saturday and didn't eat at all. I finally got him to eat some formula and I pumped off everything I could to try and spare him any more pain. Yep, I felt like a smuck mom that day. Sigh.


So are you wondering about my title? Here's me being brutally honest about some things in my life right now....

1. I am terrified that I'm going to stay fat. There I said it. I realize that Brock is only 8 weeks old...but how long do I give myself that excuse for not getting up in the morning and working out? I'm terrified that I'm going to keep saying "well Brock is only (insert age) and that he'll be 2 before i know it and I'll still be this size. I feel trapped in my body right now and don't want to stay that way. I keep thinking that I did it last time when I was sleep deprived so what's different this time? I desperately want to be back to where I was after losing all the weight - BUT I wish I had a magic wand to get me there. I am not excited about the work or self control involved in getting there. And I have no clothes that fit besides maternity. I got rid of all my fat clothes. I don't want to go and buy big clothes again. I am dreading summer clothes.

2. I am an emotional eater....especially when I am tired. Again, I am terrified that I will be fat forever. I do good during the day - mostly - and then 5:00 hits. I don't know if I am ever going to win this battle.

3. I worry that I don't give each boy enough of my attention.

4. I am DESPERATE to get back some of my own time and quilt or get to some of the other projects that i want to get done.

5. I am HATING all my piles in my house. I'm still trying to just hold down the fort....therefore a lot of things get shuffled into piles and I can't stand it. But I don't have the time yet to fix it.

6. My kids watch too much TV/movies. Some days I want to change it, some days I don't. They very rarely sit still long enough to see the whole show - cartoon or movie - and it's more like background noise for most of the day.

7. I worry about Rhett making his own friends. He does so much better in social situations when Zane is around.

8. I miss having an adult around all the time to talk to.

9. I am extremely lazy a lot of the time. Some days it bugs me, some days it doesn't.

10. I think I'm going to ask to be released from my music callings. I have had a music calling some way for the last 12 years. I have had short breaks but not many. It's not that they're stressing me out or anything like that. It's more that I'm burnt out, Cliff's burnt out and I'm wondering if there's anything else that I can possibly do in the ward. But then I panic and think that maybe I would be really awful at anything else. What else do I know how to do?

11. I want to do it all - have my house as clean as I like it, spend time with my kids, develop my talents, exercise, read my scriptures, spend time with Cliff, be a great friend, a piano teacher, fulfill my callings and do it all with a smile. Instead I feel like I'm dropping balls a lot and never getting everything done that needs doing and always letting someone or myself down in some area. I know that we aren't supposed to be able to do everything and we have to prioritize and that I have a small baby....but some days I get tired of choosing between good, better, and best.

so there you have it. Some things that have been rolling around in my head lately.