I don't know who's paying him....

But they're getting their money's worth!

Brock has been enlisted in the evil "keep mommy fat" conspiracy. It's true. Wanna' know how I know? Because he's slowly killing me with sleep deprivation. I know, I KNOW. Every mom out there is sleep deprived. But he SENSES when I'm going to work out and waits until I'm 10 minutes in and then wakes up screaming!!!!
Take early Monday morning. I teach seminary at 7:15 Monday morning....so if I'm going to work out I need to be up by 5:45...gross I know. He wakes up at 5:00 wanting a bottle...fine, whatever. 10 minutes later, bottle's done and the coughing starts and before I know it I'm wearing the contents of his stomach. So, into the shower we go. Now it's 5:30 and guess who's wide awake and not wanting to go back to sleep. You guessed it... and trying to get a work out in with him underfoot is not fun - newly walking child and a good workout are not conducive. It's 6:30 before I get him back to sleep - in our bed now cuddled in with daddy so I can get ready to go teach. BUT I tell myself no big deal. I'll just wait until he's down for a nap and then I'll work out. Yep. That was the plan. 10:30...down for a nap. Threw a load of laundry in, grabbed my shoes, started up the DVD, got 8 minutes in and then someone is SCREAMING! ARG. Tried to get him to back to sleep but it just wasn't happening so I gave up and did my workout around him. Of course I missed some parts because he wouldn't leave me alone and I had to keep distracting him so he wouldn't he get stepped on/kicked or otherwise maimed.

My point: finding it very difficult to work out which makes it difficult to eat good and makes the task of losing the remaining 40 lbs - yes you heard me right - even harder.

But I'm tyring to focus more on something else.
I'm a fan of the Biggest Loser. I just like it. Maybe because it validates my struggle with weight. At the beginning of this season the contestants went around the room and told their fat stories - why they are the way they are - and the common theme under them all was this:

I DON'T LOVE MYSELF

And I thought, how sad. And then I started thinking about me, and my weight struggles. For those who don't know me a year after my 2nd son was born I was 220 lbs. It was an ugly number. I went to Weight Watchers and lost 65 lbs. And kept it off for awhile. Then we had a miscarriage. Add 10 lbs please. Then we got pregnant with Brock and spotted for 9 weeks - work out? What work out? No work out for me when I might be miscarrying, oh and did I mention that I was an emotional eater? And a few other things cropped up which meant that I did everything in this last pregnancy that I swore I wouldn't and ended up over 200 lbs again. I don't know where I was after having Brock - I didn't want to know. 5 months after having him I decided to try again. I weighed in at 207 lbs. I've lost just over 20 of it. I'm committed and with him getting older it is getting easier. But it's still a daunting number and task. One that I've done before and one that I'll do again.

But I digress. I was thinking about the biggest losers not loving themselves and asked myself, do I love me? All of me? The good, the bad, the nice, the not so nice? And I had to answer no. I do not love all of me. Lots of me, but not all of me.

That was hard to type. Breathe.

OK. So, I've been working on this. A friend of my mom and mine told us something over Christmas

"If we could learn to truly love ourselves, as our Heavenly Father loves us, our weight and issues would just melt away".

I've decided to embark on this. I've prayed a lot, and pondered a lot. I've learned this is something that won't happen over night. And my thoughts have been directed towards some specific actions to help me love all of me. I'm hoping that when I reach my weight goal that I will have reached my love goal as well. That I will be able to look in the mirror and love me not only physically, but everything else as well.

So onwards and upwards until the conspiracy to keep mommy fat is nothing but a myth!