On the Same Side

I've been wanting to write this blog for a couple of weeks now...but blogger and I were having issues with my new email address. Now that it's figured out I'm back. (I know, you were all really worried, weren't you?)
So I've been trying really hard to get up in the morning, do my seminary reading, and then leave the house and go for my walk/jog. I listen to some great music and try to think about all sorts of different things. My one rule - I can't think about things that stress me out like finances, potty training, lack of sleep....you get the picture.
A couple of weeks ago my great friend Leslie sent me an email about whales and mermaids. Have you seen it? I had before but really enjoyed reading it again. If you haven't seen it the Reader's Digest version is that some hot new gym is advertising for new clients with a poster asking : Do you want to be a Mermaid or a Whale this summer?
One fantastic woman writes a letter to the gym pointing out all of the wonderful positives of whales, listing their social networks, talents, love and family etc. While the mermaid is pointed out to not exist and that she would have extreme issues if she did actually exist. The woman ends the letter by stating that she would rather be a whale.
And where does this all fit in you ask? It fits in because it is was one of the thoughts I had while out in the morning. And I too thought that I would rather be a whale....an in shape and smaller sized whale, but a whale. I want to be surrounded by family and friends, have great talents, great love and enjoy life. And as I thought about this I thought about me when I was skinnier - after I achieved my last weight loss - and the thought I had was "even though I was smaller than I have ever been I was still struggling with the idea of being fat. I had programmed myself to that for so long that my brain was having a hard time matching up the person in the mirror and the person in my head. My next thought was that when I again achieved that weight loss I would have to work on my self image. I mulled this over for a few blocks but then came to the conclusion that I needed to start working on it now...not wait until I was nice and skinny again. From there I started thinking about all the different things my body and I have been through and here's some of what I came up with:
- 3 babies
- 2 miscarriages
- gall bladder removal
- D&C
- weight gain and loss
- sleep deprivation
- pancreatitis
- sick babies
- sick hubby
- sick me
- lots of love
- lots of laughing
- lots of hugs and kisses
- depression and climbing out of the hole
- several hair colors
- several hair styles
- lots of fashion bads
- learning how to dress better
- growing up
- and many other things
Some negative, some positive. But as I examined my list I realized that for a lot of things I was thinking of me and my body as separate. Not like an out-of-body experience or anything like that. More that there was me and then there was the physical me and the two me's seem to be at odds a lot of the time. Does that make sense or do you think I'm totally crazy. If you think I'm crazy don't answer. For instance, most people know that I am continuing the battle of weight. This is probably the biggest area where I feel like me and my body me are at odds. I've always felt like I was fighting against my body to get to where I wanted it to be. But as I thought about this - and by this time I hit the dreaded hill that I run up - I started thinking that instead of fighting each other, me and my body me need to get on the same page and start working together. I'm still working on how exactly to do this. One thing I am trying to do is to not put so much pressure on myself to lose all the baby weight right now. Yes, I'm working at it. Yes, it's not coming off as fast as I want it to. BUT I am still working on it. And slowly I'm seeing results. I know that I'll get there. I'm trying to recognize my limits more....slow down a bit and recognize that I know a lot of wonderful women who can juggle a lot more balls than I can....and that's OK. I need to the best that I can do. And I try to remind myself every day that me and my body are on the same side.